the  Indiana  Literary  Belt 


And  perhaps  years  after  lie  is  dead,  the 
lofty  critics  will  speak,  as  they  now  do  of 
Artenms  Ward,  of  the  "Teat  and  Ameri- 
can satire  of  Kin  Hnhhard  (  Ahe  Martin). 
-Franklin  P.  Adams  (  F.  I1.  A.)  in  the 
Xew  York  \Yorld. 


Author's  Edition 


ZlfrU^ 

Berkeley 


(1) 


These  Days 


A  sort  of  a  paragraphic  review  of  the  fads 

and  foibles  and   waves  and  trends  of 

the  present  age 


By 


Abe  Martin 

(Kin  Hubbard) 


Pictures  by  the  Author 


ABB  MARTIN   PUBLISHING   COMPANY 
INDIANAPOLIS 

One  Dollar  and  Fifty  Cents  Net 


None  genuine  without  this  label. 
All  rights  protected. 


WM.  MITCHELL  PRINTING  Co. 
GREENFIELD.  IND. 


To  My  Friend 

Joseph  T.  Stokes 

Analytical  Chemist  and  World  Traveler 


The  contents  of  this  volume  have  been  compiled 
from  the  columns  of  The  Indianapolis  News  and 
revised,  remounted  and  arranged  by  the  author. 


Abe  Martin 

From  a  sketch  made  on  the  day  our 
great  annual  coal  strike  was  settled  until 
the  next  time. 


THESE    D  AYS 


A  peck  o'  trouble  hain't  t'  be  mentioned 
in  th'  same  breath  with  a  quart. 

* 

Practically  all  th'  fishin's  done  by  folks 
that  don't  need  'em. 

% 

General  Apathy  has  put  more  men  in 
office  than  all  th'  silver  tongued  orators 
put  t'gether. 

^ 

Henry  Ford  hain't  only  made  millions, 
but  think,  too,  o'  th'  great  fortunes  that 
have  been  piled  up  by  th'  makers  o'  Ford 
adjuncts  such  as  shock  absorbers,  starters 
an'  boudoir  caps. 

^ 

"Th'  Democrats  are  so  shiftless,"  com- 
plained ole  Niles  Turner  t'day.  "They 
didn'  even  git  one  good,  full  campaign  out 
o'  th'  world  war,  while  th'  Republicans 
have  been  capitalizin'  th'  rebellion  fer 
over  fifty  years. 


THESE    DAYS 


Ther  hain't  any  more  purtier  girls  t'day 
than  ther  ever  wuz.  Ther  skirts  are  only 
shorter. 


It's  jest  about  got  so  we  can't  find  a 
place  t'  park  an'  see  a  the-ater  show  all  in 


one  evenm'. 


When  anything  does  happen  t'  come 
out  all  right  it's  jest  like  findin'  it  fer  th' 
pessimist. 


"Well,  if  he  had  any  good  qualities  we'll 
prob'ly  hear  about  'em  now,"  said  ole  Niles 
Turner  t'day,  when  he  heard  Tipton  Bud's 
father  wuz  dead. 

is 

We  might  as  well  git  ready  fer  th'  long, 
dull,  stringy  interval  between  bobbed  hair 
an'  enough  t'  do  up. 


THESE    DAYS 


If  you  watch  th'  face  o'  th'  feller  you're 
talkin'  to  you  kin  nearly  allus  tell  when 
t'  quit. 

^ 

Th'  feller  that  marries  these  days  may 
know  what  kind  o'  ankles  he's  gittin',  but 
he's  takin'  a  long  shot  on  th'  face  an'  dis- 
position. 

16 

"We  may  buy  a  litle  coal  t'  use  in  case 
o'  sickness,  but  th'  engine  keeps  our  sedan 
het  up  jest  fine,"  says  Mrs.  Art  Beasley. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  didn'  register  this 
fall  cause  she  couldn'  remember  how  ole 
she  wrote  she  wuz  last  fall. 


Eatin  downtown  is  growin'  more'n  more 
general  as  women  become  more'n  more 
"enlightened." 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  feller  that  waits  fer  th'  right  girl 
t'  come  along  these  days  is  goin'  t'  git  con- 
fused. 


Pustmaster  Art  Smiley,  who  tried  t' 
stir  up  enough  political  enthusiasm  t'  stage 
a  torchlight  procession,  is  still  in  th' 
asylum. 


Where  wuz  all  th'  money  when  we  didn' 
have  autos? 


We  don't  have  t'  dress  like  a  corpse  t' 
be  good. 


A  woman  is  th'  blamedest  thing.  She'll 
kill  her  husband's  vote  an'  then  turn  right 
around  an'  charge  a  new  hat  t'  him. 


JANUARY 


We  kin  recall  when  a  mother-in-law 
wuz  a  liability,  but  t'day  she's  one  o'  thj 
modern  conveniences. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  best  of  all  th'  more  daylight  move- 
ments is  washin'  th'  windows. 


Hain't  it  a  grand  an'  glorious  feelin'  t' 
come  t'  a  blocked  street  that  we  kin  cross 
with  impunity? 

^ 

"It's  goin'  t'  be  fierce  t'  jump  out  of  an 
auto  when  long  skirts  git  all  th'  rage," 
says  Miss  Tawney  Apple. 


We  counted  forty-nine  autos,  averagin' 
$1,800  apiece,  parked  around  th'  court- 
house t'day,  an'  we  kin  remember  when 
if  a  feller  bought  a  phaeton  he  wuz  sus- 
pected o'  havin'  inherited  th'  money. 


So  fer  th'  political  cannydate  haint 
thought  o'  anything  t'  catch  th'  woman 
vote  'cept  an  occasional  shave. 


THESE    DAYS 


An  occasional  crisis  is  a  fine  thing  t' 
show  up  th'  side  steppers. 


Democrat  Alvin  Bentley,  who's  workin' 
in  th'  pustoffice  under  civil  service,  says 
he'd  git  married  if  he  had  a  steady  job. 


Some  folks  are  so  lazy  they  have  a  new 
auto  delivered. 

15 

Th'  difference  between  a  good  sport  an' 
an  easy  mark  is  scarcely  discernible. 


Two  homely  people  allus  seem  t'  be  so 
genuinely  glad  t'  git  t'gether. 


THESE    DAYS 


Nobuddy  kin  listen  in  if  you  say  it  with 
flowers. 


Most  folks  jest  won't  say  ''nominated" 
instead  of  "anominated"  even  after  we 
tell  'em  about  it. 


Th'  new  janitor  o'  th'  courthouse  used 
t'  be  an  editur  till  fortune  smiled  on  him. 


Banty  Kite,  who's  seein'  th'  world  in 
th'  regular  army,  is  still  lookin'  at  Fort 
Harrison. 


Ther's  no  waste  t'  a  dime's  worth  o 
liver  but  th'  thumb. 


THESE    DAYS 


Somehow  sickness  or  a  late  train  never 
seem  t'  keep  a  tiresome  speaker  from  f  illin' 
a  date. 

is 

Th'  feller  that's  willin'  an'  pleasant 
soon  builds  up  an  awful  business. 


We've  allus  noticed  that  th'  fellers  with 
th'  most  civic  pride  don't  pay  any  taxes. 


Th'    conversation    never    gits    t'    goin' 
good  till  th'  hostess  starts  th'  Victroly. 


Fellers  that  can't  speak  never  let  on 
when  they're  called  on,  but  go  right  ahead 
an'  speak. 


THESE    DAYS 


We  don't  have  t'  have  a  receivin'  set  t' 
git  in  on  the  crime  wave. 


We  don't  believe  anybuddy  wuz  ever 
too  good  t'  be  a  clerkin',  even  if  lots  o' 
them  do  act  like  it. 


We  kin  remember  when  a  woman  wuz 
satisfied  t'  be  known  as  th'  wife  o'  some- 
buddy. 

18 

What's  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned  girl 
that  used  t'  drop  out  o'  sight  when  crossed 
in  love? 


Wouldn't  it  be  fine  if  we  could  run  out 
o'  debt? 


THESE    DAYS 


Skirts  may  git  back  t'  ther  ole  length, 
but  women  '11  allus  cross  ther  legs  on  th* 
front  porch. 

^ 

Some  folks  are  never  as  happy  an' 
glowin'  as  when  they're  tryin'  t'  make  us 
sorry  that  we've  missed  somethin'. 


No  matter  how  wretched  times  git, 
ther's  allus  plenty  o'  want  ads  fer  "'good 
salesmen." 


"Anybuddy  that's  ever  had  a  house 
painted  would  never  select  a  complexion 
from  a  color  card,"  says  Mrs.  Em  Moon. 


A  lovely  party  wuz  given  at  th'  home  o' 
Mrs.  Lafe  Bud  last  evenin'  fer  Mrs.  Al 
Mopps,  who's  soon  t'  institute  proceedin's 
fer  divorce. 


THESE    DAYS 


Thers  too  blamed  many  new  ways  t' 
spend  money  an'  not  'nough  new  ways  t' 


git  it. 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  got  her  ears  out 
t'day  an'  she  didn'  look  so  bad  in  'em. 


Who  remembers  when  evangelists  in- 
stead o'  doctors  used  t'  save  our  drunk- 
ards ? 


Next  t'  a  neat  an'  fatherly  lookin'  confi- 
dence man,  nothin'  operates  under  as  many 
aliases  as  a  Ben  Davis  apple. 


Somebuddy  asked  Al  Mopps  why  he 
didn'  tackle  any  kind  o'  work  he  could 
git,  an'  he  said,  "I  tried  that  four  or  five 
years  ago  an'  somethin'  better  never  did 
show  up." 


F  E  B-U-A  R  Y 


"A  man  allus  acts  like  a  sheep  killin' 
dog  when  he  asks  fer  credit,  but  a  woman 
•'11  be  wearin'  silk  stockin's  an'  smile  her 
purtiest  when  she  charges  a  sack  o?  corn 
meal,"  says  Elmer  Moots,  o'  th'  Cash 
Grocery. 


THESE    DAYS 


It  seems  like  th'  hardest  thing  is  bein 
good  without  paradin'  it. 


Women  allus  speak  o'  some  young  mar- 
ried couple  as  "apparently"  gittin'  along. 


Gushy  people  kin  be  as  nice  t'  talk  to  as 
anybuddy  —  when  they're  tired  out. 


Lots  o'  things  baffle  description,  but 
they  don't  baffle  folks  that  try  t'  tell 
about  'em. 


"I  didn'  git  hardly  any  sleep  at  all  last 
night  on  account  o'  burglars  cursin'  o'er 
a  swollen  dresser  drawer,"  complained 
Mrs.  Tilford  Moots,  this  mornin'. 


CRIMINALS  AN'  HOME  TRAININ'. 


By  Constable  Plum. 

I  want  t'  bitterly  ridicule  th'  conclusion 
recently  arrived  at  by  th'  International 
Conference  of  Police  Chiefs  that  lack  o' 
home  trainin'  is  responsible  fer  our  crim- 
inals. In  so  fer  as 
regards  that's  con- 
cerned, ther  hain't 
nothin'  into  it.  Lack 
o'  home  trainin,'  lack 
o'  watchfulness  on 
th'  part  o'  parents, 
may  result  in  pranks 
an'  little  misdemean- 
ors on  th'  part  o' 
youngsters,  but  th' 
worst  defaulters  an' 
sharpers  an'  sneaks 
I've  ever  knowed  had 
good  folks.  Some  o' 
them  wuz  educated 
fer  th'  ministry,  an' 
all  o'  them  had  been  home  trained  right 
down  t'  th'  minute.  Ole  Allison  Peabody, 


CONSTABLE     PLUM     IN 
ACTION 


THESE    DAYS 


back  in  th'  seventies,  wuz  sixty-five  years 
ole  an'  highly  trained  before  he  had  an  op- 
portunity t'  steal.  He  had  allus  been  in  th' 
newspaper  business  before  he  wuz  elected 
county  treasurer.  Al  Timmons's  big  auto 
wuz  stolen  by  his  own  brother  who'd  never 
been  away  from  home  but  once  in  his  life. 
Tipton  Bud  has  got  a  nephew  that  wuz 
raised  in  an  apartment  an'  never  had  no 
home  life  an'  he's  almost  twenty-two  years 
ole  an'  has  never  been  in  trouble.  O' 
course  it's  fine  fer  folks  t'  set  a  good  ex- 
imple  fer  ther  children  an'  urge  'em  t'  be 
honest  so  that  when  they  git  put  in  jail 
they  feel  like  they'd  done  ther  best  t'  train 
'em.  Pearl  Slocum,  that  wuz  electrocuted 
in  th'  east  a  few  days  ago  fer  murderin'  an 
aged  couple  fer  seventy  cents,  wore  spec- 
tacles when  he  wuz  a  little  boy  an'  recited 
in  public.  He  had  a  goat  an'  a  velocipede 
an'  wuz  a  well  trained  normal  boy  an' 
didn'  leave  home  t'  go  t'  work  till  he  wuz 
thirty-two.  It's  not  generally  known,  but 
Jake  Bentley  has  a  boy  in  th'  penitentiary. 


THESE    DAYS 


He's  been  ther  fer  years  as  a  confirmed 
criminal.  He  wuz  well  raised,  educated 
an'  polished,  but  he  couldn'  go  near  a  pen 
an'  ink  without  forgin'.  Fer  a  long  time 
his  folks  hid  th'  ink  bottle,  but  when  foun- 
tain pens  become  cheap  an'  plentiful  ther 
wuz  no  controllin'  him,  so  he  had  t'  be  put 
in  th'  jug.  Fer  ever'  brutal,  clumsy  crime 
committed  by  some  dull  ignorant  feller  of 
obscure  origin,  ther's  ten  well  planned 
atrocious  crimes  committed  by  smart,  edu- 
cated an'  responsible  fiends  with  Ai  early 
trainin'.  Jest  recount  th'  crimes  o'  th'  last 
few  months  that  wuz  committed  by  well 
connected,  well  raised  an'  even  well-t'-do 
criminals.  So  well  connected  an'  well-t'- 
do,  in  fact,  that  most  of  'em  are  goin'  free 
as  fast  as  they're  tried.  Ther's  some 
purty  good  an'  substantial  people  in  this 
country  that  didn'  even  have  homes,  t' 
say  nothin'  o'  home  trainin'.  Also  ther's 
a  lot  o'  well  bred  crooks  that  are  gittin'  by 
on  account  o'  their  splendid  early  environ- 
ment. Let  our  police  chiefs  give  more 

(2) 


THESE    DAYS 


time    t'    roundin'    up    criminals    an'    not 
worry  about  how  they  originate. 


Ther's  less  waste  t'  courtesy  than  any- 
thing else. 

* 

Joe  Kite  is  lettin'  his  grocery  bill  grow 
till  Bryan's  elected. 

After  a  careful  observation  coverin' 
a  wide  period,  we've  discovered  that  thj 
louder  a  feller  laughs  at  nothin'  th'  more 
pop'lar  he  is. 

Nothin'  keeps  a  girl  at  home  these  days 
but  bein'  out  o'  paint. 


Ferd  Bentley,  whose  wife  has  disap- 
peared, wuz  in  town,  t'day,  shakin'  hands 
with  himself. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  good  die  young,  but  reformers  often 
worry  along  till  they're  eighty. 


Marryin'  fer  money  an'  marryin'  fer 
love  have  both  more  or  less  failed,  but  we 
hain't  never  had  no  statistics  on  marryin' 
fer  a  housekeeper. 


Young  authors  musn'  git  stuck  up  'cause 
magazines  accept  ther  stories,  fer  that's 
no  sign  they're  good. 


What's  th'  use  o'  havin'  any  rights  if 
we've  got  t'  keep  waivin'  'em  all  th'  time 
or  git  killed? 


We  kin  remember  when  th'  most  pop'lar 
feller  in  town  didn'  even  own  his  dress 
suit,  but  borrowin'  a  car  hain't  so  easy. 


THESE    DAYS 


Cantaloupes  are  jest  like  women — we 
kin  thump  'em,  an'  lift  'em,  an'  squeeze 
'em,  but  we  can't  tell  a  blamed  thing  about 
'em  till  its  too  late. 

^ 

We'd  no  more  venture  across  a  down- 
town street  these  days  than  we'd  be  an 
outstandin'  figure  in  Ireland. 

s 

Speakin'  o'  hungry  Democrats,  Tell 
Binkley  has  closed  his  office  an'll  devote 
all  his  time  t'  succeedin'  Pustmaster  Ike 
Lark,  whose  term  expires  a  year  from 
next  Aprile. 

^ 

Jim  Beasley  shot  an'  killed  a  burglar 
by  mistake  last  night.  He  thought  it  wuz 
his  separated  wife  comin'  back  fer  a  few 
simple  belongin's. 

^ 

If  it  wuzn'  fer  golf  we'll  bet  business 
men  would  be  gittin'  mighty  impatient 
about  th'  return  o'  prosperity. 


MARCH 


Lafe  Bud  talked  some  o'  startin'  a  new 
drug  store,  but  he  decided  ther  wuz  too 
many  resturints  here  now. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  way  most  folks  would  run  a  news- 
paper has  been  tried  thousan's  o'  times. 


Newspapers  so  often  speak  o'  some 
feller  "winnin'  fair  bride"  when  fair  t' 
middlin'  would  be  nearer  th'  truth. 


Nothin'  makes  us  as  sore  as  buyin'  a 
swell  weddin'  present  fer  somebuddy,  an' 
then  readin'  in  a  week  or  two  that  ther 
split  up. 


"My,  how  th'  months  slip  away,"  says 
Mrs.  Lib  Pash,  who's  trying  t'  keep  tab 
on  th'  McCormicks. 


Why  call  it  th'  "liberal  element"  when 
it  kicks  on  payin'  $150  a  case. 


THESE    DAYS 


Wherever  prosperity's  parked  it  must 
be  covered  with  stickers. 


Ike  Lark  had  a  kick  comin'  yisterday, 
but  it  only  got  as  f  er  as  Greencastle. 


While  throwin'  up  his  hands  Saturday 
afternoon  Cashier  Lester  Moon,  o'  th' 
Peoples  Bank,  cut  several  of  his  fingers 
on  a  chandelier  globe. 


Ther  wuz  a  party  at  th'  Tilford  Moots 
home,  last  night,  an'  th'  house  wuz  full 
from  cellar  t'  garret. 


We've  alms  noticed  that  th'  folks  that 
git  th'  most  out  of  a  holiday  are  also  our 
most  prominent  non-producers. 


THESE    DAYS 


Some  stranger  asked  Miss  Tawney 
Apple  t'  git  in  his  car  last  evenin',  but  she 
felt  too  tired  t'  walk. 


Bill  Hays  is  th'  first  American  t'  retire 
at  th'  zenith  of  his  fame  since  Mary  An- 
derson dropped  out  o'  Pygmalion  &  Gala- 
tea t'  git  married. 


"Won't  they  ever  quit  askin'  fer 
money?"  said  ole  Niles  Turner,  t'day, 
when  he  heard  ther  wuz  t'  be  a  fox  drive. 


What's  become  o'  tlr   feller  that  used 
t'  chew  th'  ends  o'  his  mustache? 


An    incompetent    bank    robber    nearly 
allus  comes  t'  some  bad  end. 


THESE    DAYS 


You  can't  live  off  a  garden  without  al- 
most livin'  in  it. 


A  reformer  must  feel  like  givin'  up 
when  he  reads,  "TV  police  chief  called  in 
all  bootleggers  an'  dope  peddlers  believin' 
they  might  throw  some  light  on  th'  crime." 


Next  t'  th'  bill  board  posters  demandin' 
that  we  go  t'  work,  th'  latest  innovation  is 
a  law  enforcement  conference. 


Our  idee  o'  inexcusable  mismanagement 
is  marryin'  three  times  fer  money  an' 
then  runnin'  in  debt  fer  a  lawyer. 


Ever 'buddy  said  in  1918  that  we'd 
never  be  able  t'  repay  our  soldier  boys  an' 
it  seems  they  wuz  right. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  feller  with  a  wide  circle  o'  friends 
must  be  doin'  a  fine  credit  business. 

^ 

Bootlegger  Ike  Lark  has  t'  git  shaved 
standin'  up. 

^ 

A  tall,  dark  stranger  walked  around 
th'  courthouse  three  times  last  evenin',  but 
evidently  couldn'  find  a  car  he  could  start. 

^ 

"It  must  be  fine  t'  git  pickled  an'  bois- 
terous in  your  own  home  an'  know  you 
won't  git  put  out,"  said  Lafe  Bud,  this 
mornin'. 

^ 

Th'  tired  business  man  ought  t'  be  purty 
well  rested  up  by  this  time,  t'  say  nothin' 
o'  bein'  rusty.  . 

% 

Th'  Art  Embroidery  Club  met  last 
night  an'  discussed  skirts  at  some  length. 


THESE    DAYS 


Nobuddy  ever  questions  our  other  at 
tributes  if  we're  known  as  good  pay. 


Miss  Pansy  Moots,  aged  'leven,  is  quite 
an  accomplished  elocutionist  an'  recites 
eagerly. 

^ 

We  should  think  that  one  o'  th'  worst 
things  about  gittin'  in  trouble  would  be 
havin'  an  ole  discarded  wife  show  up  at 
th'  jail. 

^ 

Th'  bandit  that  stole  four  barrels  o' 
elderberry  wine  from  th'  jail,  last  night, 
is  described  by  Watchman  Joe  Mapes  as 
bein'  o'  medium  hight,  light  gray  $2  hat, 
tiny  scar  under  chin,  a  gold  tooth,  hair 
parted  on  left  side,  turquoise  cuff  buttons, 
a  knot  in  one  shoe  lace,  five  buttons  on 
cuffs  o'  coat,  a  tan  leather  billfold,  an' 
light  blue  eyes. 


THESE    DAYS 


Lester  Moon,  is  th'  new  cashier  o'  th' 
Peoples  Bank,  succeedin'  Laurel  Spry, 
five  ft.,  light  complexioned,  prominent 
Adams  apple. 


Th'  telephone  is  mighty  handy  f  er  folks 
that  color  up  when  they  lie. 


Th'   family  doctor   must   have   a  time 
locatin'  his  patients. 


"Speakin'  o'  high  prices,  I  don't  even 
feel  cheap  anymore  like  I  used  t'  occas- 
ionally," says  Tell  Binkley. 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  missed  th'  first  two 
reels  at  th'  Fairy  Grotto  last  night  as  she 
had  t'  hold  a  burglar  till  th'  constable  come. 


A  P  R  I  L  E 


A  cannydate  has  t'  be  purty  versatile 
these  days  t'  know  how  t'  address  th' 
women,  th'  plain  people,  an'  duplex  owners. 


THESE    DAYS 


It's  jest  about  got  so  it  takes  more  time 
than  money  t'  look  nifty. 

IB 

Auto  traffic  is  ,gittin?  so  thick  that 
you're  nearer  t'  where  you  want  t'  go  if 
you  stay  at  home  than  you  would  be  if  you 
tried  t'  drive  there. 


What  few  folks  we've  seen  that  claimed 
t'  be  wedded  t'  ther  art  looked  mighty  un- 
happy. 


Ther's  very  little  discussion  o'  th'  unem- 
ployment problem  down  our  way,  'cept  by 
folks  that  wouldn'  work  anyhow. 


Tell  Binkley  found  a  clove  while  rum- 
agin5  thro'  an  ole  white  vest  this  mornin'. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'    commonest    error    these    days    is 
imagin'  we  know  a  good  thing. 


When  Squire  Marsh  Swallow  heard 
that  Sen.  Lodge  wuz  re-elected,  his  face 
darkened  up  as  if  he'd  lost  a  good 
parkin'  place. 


We  hardly  ever  hear  of  an  unhappy 
home  any  more  now  that  ever'buddy  dolls 
up  an'  digs  out  after  breakfast. 


Ther  hain't  no  doubts  in  a  little  town  t' 
git  th'  benefit  of  like  ther  is  in  a  city. 


"Th'  town  wuz  so  crowded  Sunday 
night  I  had  t'  park  in  front  of  a  church," 
said  Jake  Bentley,  t'day. 


THESE    DAYS 


What's  worse  'n  findin'  one  good  glove? 


Lafe  Bud  an'  his  wife  had  quite  an 
argyment  last  night.  She  said  it  seemed 
like  ages  since  they  wuz  married  an'  he 
stoutly  maintained  it  wuz  longer. 


Th'  mayor  o'  Youngstown,  Ohio,  made 
such  a  hit  by  resignin'  that  they  nearly 
nominated  him  fer  Gov'nor. 


Ever'  girl  has  an  age  when  she  thinks 
she  could  live  without  a  sedan  with  th' 
man  she  loves. 


Mrs.  Su  Moots  has  a  pearl-handled  re- 
volver, but  is  still  married. 


TH'  PROF.  ELMER  PEG  DESER- 
TION CASE. 


By  Mrs.  Tilford  Moots. 

Ther's  a  great  moral  lurkin'  in  th'  Prof. 
Elmer  Peg  desertion  case,  that  comes  up 
at  th'  fall  term  o'  court,  a  great  lesson  fer 
all,  male  an'  female,  that  contemplate  git- 
tin'  married.  El- 
mer Peg  made  th' 
-common,  age-old 
mistake  o'  gittin' 
married  before  he 
found  himself,  be- 
fore he  knowed 
what  his  life  work 
wuz  t'  be.  He 
wuz  workin'  in  a 
saw-mill  when  he 
married  M  y  r  t  i  e 

j^a^ttfcrw"- Tate'  a  J2:irl  ever'~ 

rj    <^«R^\  way     qualified     t' 

grace  a  mill  hand's 

ELMER    PEG    AN'    WIFE    IN      1,^  M>     U^xJ     U~ 

TH'  EARLY  SAW  MILL  DAYS  home,  an  ii3,Q.  ne 
continued  as  a  mill  hand  he  wouldn'  be 
where  he  is  t'day  which  is  in  th'  jug  with  a 


THESE    DAYS 


prison  term  confrontin'  him,  as  he  has  no 
money.  His  wife  erred  too.  She  should 
have  cast  about  till  she  found  a  beau  less 
ambitious  an'  likely  t'  rise  in  th'  world. 
Perhaps,  like  all  girls  high  or  low,  she  did 
not  stop  t'  think  what  she  wuz  doin'.  She 
prob'ly  reasoned,  "here's  a  chance  t'  git 
married"  an'  grabbed  it.  But  Elmer  Peg 
an'  his  wife  lived  happily  enough  until  in 
an  evil  moment  he  left  th'  saw  mill  t'  be- 
come a  school  teacher.  His  new  callin' 
cast  him  'mongst  women  folks,  an'  it  wuz 
only  a  few  days  till  he  developed  a  likin' 
fer  a  willowy  organ  teacher  o'  gentle 
blood.  As  he  learned  t'  know  her  better  it 
begun  t'  dawn  on  him  that  he'd  married 
beneath  him.  He  commenced  t'  regret 
that  he  wuz  not  single  agin.  Th'  tussle 
with  his  conscience  grew  fiercer  an'  fierc- 
er day  by  day.  Finally  he  an'  th'  organ 
teacher  decided  they  couldn'  live  without 
each  other.  All  th'  while  th'  fat,  simple, 
hard-workin'  wife  an'  mother  kept  singin' 
as  she  picked  her  way  'mongst  her  cooin', 


THESE    DAYS 


sprawling  crawlin'  children,  an'  looked 
after  th'  routine  duties  o'  th'  home.  Sev- 
eral times  she  thought  she  detected  a 
growin'  coolness  in  th'  attitude  of  her 
school  teacher  husband,  but  she  dismissed 
th'  ugly  thought,  an'  attributed  his  de- 
meanor t'  th'  complex  an'  arduous  duties 
o'  his  profession,  an'  that  wuz  purty  good 
reasonin'  fer  an  uncultured  wild  flower 
utterly  unacquainted  with  th'  ways  o'  th' 
world.  With  nine  little  children  she  wuz 
too  busy  t'  watch  her  husband,  an'  as  is  too 
often  th'  case,  she  wuz  too  dependent  on 
him  t'  git  him  mad,  much  as  it  would  have 
pleased  him,  fer  then  he  would  have  had 
some  sort  of  an  alibi  fer  his  sneakin'  con- 
duct, prob'ly  incompatability.  Anyhow, 
Prof.  Elmer  Peg  an'  his  sweetheart  organ 
teacher  run  off  t'gether.  Public  sym- 
pathy rushed  out  at  once  t'  th'  deserted 
wife  an'  children,  an'  an  aroused  com- 
munity demanded  that  no  stone  be  left  un- 
turned t'  apprehend  th'  desertin'  fiend.  O' 
course  he  wuz  found  in  due  time,  as  you 


THESE    DAYS 


can't  escape  justice  an'  carry  a  woman. 
In  a  statement  t'  Constable  Newt  Plum, 
who  went  t'  Hurley,  Wisconsin,  t'  bring 
him  back,  th'  professor  said  that  he'd  long 
considered  makin'  a  change,  that  his  wife 
dressed  too  loose,  that  she  made  no  effort 
t'  reduce,  an'  that  she  wuz  no  help  t'  him 
in  his  work.  But  as  th'  train  pulled  in  an' 
he  seen  his  wife  standin'  in  th'  crowd,  he 
cried  :  "I  never  seen  Myrtie  look  as  purty. 
Somebody  has  dolled  her  up.  Constable, 
all  I  ask  is  another  chance  !"  But  he  wuz 
too  late,  an'  soon  th'  great  iron  door  closed 
behind  him  an'  he  wuz  in  a  felon's  cell. 

15 

Th'   best   sign   o'   prosperity   is   "Men 
Wanted." 


Insurance  Solicitor  Fremont  Kite  is 
carryin'  a  line  o'  white  mule  so  he  kin  git 
in  t'  talk  insurance. 


JUNE 


"Well,  we  know  where  she  is  now," 
said  Mrs.  Em  Moots,  t'day,  when  her 
daughter  wuz  buried. 


THESE    DAYS 


Too  many  people  only  pay  as  they  go  till 
they  git  so  fer. 

$ 

We  don't  know  who  fixes  th'  price  on 
wheat  an'  hogs,  but  we  would  like  t'  meet 
th'  feller  personally  who  fixed  th'  rate  th' 
farmer  charges  fer  pullin'  a  car  out  o' 
a  ditch. 

* 

Very  few  men  have  even  noticed  that 
th'  girls  are  bobbin'  ther  hair. 

^ 

It  may  be  tough  sleddin'  fer  workin' 
men,  but  we've  never  seen  workin'  girls 
as  prosperous  lookin'  as  they  are  these 
days. 

^ 

ThJ  disappearance  o'  Miss  Mamie  Lark 
is  still  a  deep  mystery.  She's  not  been 
seen  since  last  Thursday  evenin'  when, 
after  eatin'  a  hearty  meal,  she  chatted 
pleasantly  with  members  of  her  household 
about  wishin'  she  had  a  fur  coat. 


THESE    DAYS 


A  bad  cold,  or  business  reasons,  never 
held  anybuddy  back  that  had  a  pass. 


Th'  lightnin'  rod  agent  must  sigh  fer 
th'  good  ole  "jays." 


Speakin'  of  optimists,  th'  feller  that 
jest  methodically  sets  out  t'  git  married 
hain't  so  bad. 


Ther's  a  front  seat  hog  in  ever'  family. 


No  matter  how  young  you  feel,  you're 
gittin'  ole  when  you  tell  somebuddy  th' 
same  story  three  times. 

(3) 


THESE    DAYS 


A  rich  gran'mother  never  gits  in  th' 
wa. 


We  kin  remember  when  women  got 
ther  hair  bobbed  on  account  o'  typhoid 
fever  they  kept  out  o'  sight  like  a  clipped 
collie. 


A  flapper  fell  down  stairs  comin'  out 
o'  th'  Beauty  Shop  t'day,  but  as  good  luck 
would  have  it  she  lit  sticky  side  up. 


Th'  stingiest  feller  we've  heard  of  yit  is 
Lon  Moon.  He  had  a  toy  balloon  vul- 
canized. 


Ever'thing  fer  th'  home  under  th'  sun 
is  exhibited  at  th'  Home  Complete  show 
but  Bibles  an'  marble-top  tables. 


THESE    DAYS 


We're  all  strangers  when  it  comes  t' 
findin'  Easy  Street. 


"Women  in  politics  is  th'  limit,"  says 
'Squire  Marsh  Swallow,  "Nobuddy 
knowed  Lester  Moon  wuz  a  Democrat 
till  he  failed  t'  git  a  invitation  t'  th'  Bent- 
ley  weddin'." 


If  beauty  is  skin  deep  some  flappers  are 
poor  judges  o'  thickness. 


Some  folks  seem  t'  take  more  delight  in 
thinkin'  they're  indispensible  than  they 
could  possibly  git  out  of  a  vacation. 


What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  groom 
who  looked  ever'  inch  a  provider? 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  only  way  t'  hold  your  own  is  jest 
t'  refuse  ever'buddy. 


Finley  Newcomb  wuz  found  dead  in  his 
house,  t'day,  by  neighbors  who'd  become 
alarmed  at  not  smellin'  any  mash  cookin'. 


Some  o'  these  young  wealthy  dudes 
ought  t'  drive  dog  catcher's  trucks  so  ther 
girls  couldn'  jump  out. 


Ther's  books  on  th'  care  o'  lawns,  hogs, 
bulbs,  Airdales,  poultry  an'  fruit  trees, 
but  nobuddy  has  ever  written  anything  on 
takin'  care  o'  friends. 


Mrs.  Em  Moots'  niece  is  suin'  her  hus- 
band fer  divorce.  They  first  met  about 
two  months  ago  while  servin'  on  th'  same 
jury. 


THESE    DAYS 


Bank  cashiers  seem  t'  be  doin'  too  much 
backin'  an'  not  enough  side  steppin'. 

We  don't  have  t'  stand  on  th'  corner 
very  long  t'  realize  what  a  hard  time  th' 
Follies  must  have  in  scarin'  up  enough 
shapely  girls  t'  give  a  show. 

^ 

Hard  luck  jest  seems  t'  pursue  Al  Bent- 
ley.  His  fifteen-year-old  daughter  hain't 
workin',  his  cow  died  in  January,  neuritis 
developed  in  his  right  arm  t'day  an'  he 
owns  his  own  home. 

* 

Our  idee  o'  somethin'  t'  worry  about, 
next  t'  th'  orign  o'  man,  is  who's  goin'  t' 
make  th'  beds  in  th'  Oser  livery  stable  th' 
day  Max  lays  off  t'  git  married. 

;l 

Mr.  Lemmie  Peters,  who  graduated 
with  such  signal  honors  some  years  ago, 
has  several  things  in  view,  but  nothin'  in 
sight. 


THESE    DAYS 


We've  allus  noticed  that  a  feller  that 
kin  turn  his  hand  t'  anything  is  loafin'. 


"Winkin'  at  th'  law  '11  produce  crows' 
feet  around  th'  left  eye,"  writes  Miss  Fawn 
Lippincut  t'  a  beauty  magazine. 


'Squire  Marsh  Swallow  has  granted 
Bootlegger  Ike  Lark  a  3<>day  reprieve  so 
he  kin  fill  some  banquet  orders  he's  con- 
tracted fer. 


Th'  best  thing  about  a  speech  by  radio  is 
that  we  don't  have  t'  be  a  doctor  t'  walk 
out  on  it. 


Ther's  allus  an  evil  minded  person  in 
ever  crowd  t'  put  a  livery  stable  construc- 
tion on  nearly  ever  thing  that's  said. 


THESE    DAYS 


Some  women  are  so  given  t'  boastin' 
that  they  brag  on  how  much  money  ther 
husbands  save  under  prohibition. 


"Another  thing  about  prohibition/' 
says  Mrs.  Em  Moon,  "I  hain't  had  t'  put 
a  paper  under  my  husband's  plate  since 
th'  saloons  went  out." 


Lafe  Bud  has  reserved  a  table  an'  a 
doctor  fer  New  Year's  eve  at  th'  Palace 
hut-tel. 

S 

Mrs.  Em  Pash's  brother  suicided  t'day 
by  drinkin'  holiday  liquor. 


We  never  know  any  more  whether  th' 
feller  that  walks  in  our  office  carryin'  a 
leather  case  is  goin'  t'  try  t'  sell  us  a  set 
of  O.  Henry  or  a  set  of  Ole  Nelson. 


THESE    DAYS 


What  th'  country  really  needs  is  com- 
mon sense  an'  Christianity,  an'  neither 
p'litical  party  is  long  on  either. 

15 

Federal  prohibition  officers  swooped 
down  on  th'  blacksmith  shop  t'day,  but  it 
wuz  only  a  horse  gittin'  shod. 


Tell  Binkley  is  passin'  a  petition  around 
t'  git  Bootlegger  Ike  Lark  out  if  he  ever 
gits  in  jail. 


Uncle  Ez  Pash  an'  wife  celebrated  ther 
golden  weddin'  t'  light  business  Saturday. 


Distiller  Joe  Mopps  didn'  fire  up  this 
mornin'  as  th'  wind  wuz  in  th'  wrong  di 
rection. 


JULY 


We  have  favorite  actors,  favorite  groc- 
ers, an'  favorite  doctors,  but  we  don't  be- 
lieve anybuddy  ever  had  a  favorite  coal 
dealer. 


THESE    DAYS 


People  who  tell  everything-  they  know 
wouldn'  be  so  bad  if  they'd  stop  there. 


It's  too  bad  th'  feller  that  drinks  var- 
nish can't  see  his  finish. 


We  allus  wonder  if  a  policeman  chases 
a  bandit  as  fast  as  he  kin. 


Some  folks  are  so  mean  an'  grouchy 
most  o'  th'  time  that  when  they  are  a 
trifle  pleasant  we  almost  want  t'  give  'em 
a  little  kiss. 


"I'd  like  t'  go  t'  Floridy,"  said  Ike  Lark, 
t'day.  "I  hain't  been  out  o'  town,  'cept 
when  th'  grand  jury  meets,  fer  years." 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  reason  th'  way  o'  th'  transgressor 
is  hard  is  'cause  it's  so  crowded. 


Lots  o'  times  parents  are  praised  fer 
raisin'  such  a  fine  son  when  th'  credit 
really  belongs  t'  some  Scout  master. 


It  used  t'  be  "that  man  Wilson,"  but 
nowadays  it's  "th'  Washin'ton  crowd/' 


Bootlegger  Ike  Lark  announces  that 
he'll  not  be  available  durin'  th'  hour  of  his 
mother's  funeral. 


Ther's  so  many  wonderful  opportunities 
t'  become  a  reformer  these  days  that  we 
kin  hardly  resist  th'  temptation  t'  make 
a  stab  at  it. 


THESE    DAYS 


Ther's  too  many  folks  talkin'  that  ought 
t'  be  listenin'. 


"I  thought  I  passed  your  feet  t'day," 
said  Lafe  Bud,  when  he  went  home  an' 
found  his  sister-in-law  had  come  fer  a 
visit. 


Ther's  too  much  bein'  said  about  th' 
inalienable  right  t'  work  where  we  please 
fer  what  we  please  by  those  who  hain't 
tried  it. 


When  it  comes  t'  enforcin'  th'  Volstead 
law  prohibition  agents  seem  t'  be  about  as 
effective  as  th'  average  chaperone. 


It's  been  many  a  moon  since  anybuddy's 
had  nerve  enough  t'  name  a  daughter 
Prudence. 


TH'  GUITAR. 
By  'Squire  Marsh  Swallow. 

Th'  passin'  away  of  Selam  Lindsey,  at 
th'  poor  farm  last  week,  brings  t'  mind  th' 
ole  happy,  care-free  guitar  days.  Th'  gui- 


AL    BEASLEY    IN   TH'    PRIME    O' 
YOUNG   MANHOOD 

tar  is  or  wuz  a  stringed  instrument  with  a 
body  somewhat  shaped  like  a  insole.  It's 
neck  is  like  a  violin  neck  only  different. 
Th'  Spanish  guitar  Niles  Turner  brought 
home  from  th'  Mexican  war  fer  his 


THESE    DAYS 


daughter  had  six  strings— three  o'  gut  an' 
three  o'  some  other  sort — wire,  we  believe. 
They  wuz  tuned  t'  E  in  th'  second  space  o' 
th'  bass  staff,  A  in  its  fourth  an'  th'  treble 
D,  G,  B  an'  E — I  think,  although  I'm  not 
positive.  The  intermediate  intervals  wuz 
produced  by  th'  pressure  o'  th'  fingers  o' 
th'  left  hand  in  contact  with  frets  fixed 
crosswise  on  th'  keyboard  runnin'  up  an' 
down  th'  neck.  Th'  fingers  o'  th'  right 
hand  did  th'  pluckin',  or  twitchin'.  Th' 
Spaniards  are  supposed  t'  have  discovered 
th'  guitar,  although  it  thrived  in  Thibet  at 
a  very  early  date,  an  one  wuz  unearthed 
in  fair  condition  on  Easter  Island.  Salem 
Lindsey  wuz  a  prolific  guitar  player.  His 
father  had  left  him  a  fine  estate,  but  he 
soon  neglected  th'  farm  an'  took  up  with 
th'  guitar.  Acre  after  acre  o'  valuable 
land  went  t'  pay  his  G  string  bills.  After 
sellin'  his  stock  an'  farmin'  implements  he 
opened  a  guitar  school  over  th'  saddlery 
shop  that  used  t'  be  located  where  th'  town 
pump  now  stands.  He  taught  many  maid- 


THESE    DAYS 


ens  t'  play  th'  guitar,  as  it  wuz  considered 
as  one  o'  th'  desirable  accomplishments  o' 
that  early  period.  Th'  music  o'  th'  guitar 
wuz  peculiarly  sweet  an'  plaintive.  It  had 
no  bad  after  effects  like  th'  music  o'  t'day. 
Ther  wuz  not  a  pang  o'  regret  in  a  whole 
even'  of  it.  True,  it  wuz  soft  an'  allurin' 
an'  sweetly  romantic,  an'  had  caused  some 
mismatin',  but  it  has  a  greater  number  o' 
endurin'  marriages  t'  its  credit  than  most 
any  instrument  that  we  kin  now  recall. 
But  th'  guitar  has  had  its  day  like  various 
danderines.  It's  use  dwindled  till  only  a 
few  firemen  an'  barbers  cared  t'  bother 
with  it.  Occasionally  it  wuz  found  still  in 
use  in  some  livery  stables  as  late  as  1890. 
Fireman  Al  Beasley  used  t'  be  a  pop'lar 
guitar  player.  He  had  a  mouth  organ,  or 
French  harp,  attached  t'  his  guitar  in  such 
a  way  that  he  could  conquer  both  instru- 
ments at  once.  Th'  effect  wuz  very  beau- 
tiful, an'  it  looked  fer  awhile  like  th'  gui- 
tar still  had  many  years  o'  usefulness 
ahead  on  account  o'  this  new  contrivance. 


THESE    DAYS 


But  instead  it  failed  rapidly  from  then  on 
like  lots  o'  people  that  take  on  new  ideas. 
Th'  busy  era  o'  money  makin'  an'  industry 
wuz  too  much  fer  th'  ole  languid  guitar 
an'  one  is  rarely  seen  or  heard  any  more 
unless  it  is  with  some  travelin'  band  o' 
imitation  Hawaiians. 


Bootleggers  walk  in  where  book  agents 
fear  t'  tread. 


Next  t'  handshaking  nothin'  has  been  as 
overworked  an'  successful  as  promisin'  t' 
reduce  taxes. 


Hain't  it  wonderful  how  th'  average 
family  all  gits  t'gether  agin  before  break- 
fast —  or  nearly  allus? 


O  R  G  U  S  T 


Wouldn'  it  be  great  if  ever'buddy  wuz 
as  polite  an'  affable  as  th'  feller  that  says, 
"I  don't  want  t'  take  up  any  o'  your  time?" 


THESE    DAYS 


ThJ  real  judge  o'  whisky  wouldn'  think 
o'  drinkin'  it. 


Plates  wuz  laid  fer  forty  at  th'  5Oth 
weddin'  anniversary  o'  Mr.  an'  Mrs.  Til- 
ford  Moots,  yisterday,  th'  dry  officers 
eatin'  in  th'  kitchen. 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  is  able  t'  be  at  her 
post  o'  duty  agin  after  jumpin'  from  an 
auto  Saturday  night. 


Circuses  are  jest  beginnin'  t'  do  th' 
things  they  had  pictures  of  on  ther  show 
bills  over  fifty  years  ago. 


Who  remembers  when  nobuddy  but  an 
Osage  Indian  would  drink  anything? 


THESE    DAYS 


Never  take  a  cough  t'  a  $3  show. 


Lafe  Bud  has  got  so  he  kin  drink  or 
keep  his  $14. 


Who  recalls  when  little  girls  used  t' 
put  on  long  skirts  an'  play  women? 


Wesley  Peters,  who  shot  his  hired  hand, 
'11  be  given  a  second  trial  as  he  had  two 
farms. 


Mrs.  Jake  Bentley's  brother  died  this 
mornin',  death  resultin'  naturally. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  average  girl  would  have  t'  go  some 
t'  be  as  bad  as  she's  painted. 


Art  Smiley,  aged  fifty-five,  has  disap- 
peared an'  grave  fears  are  entertained 
that  he  wuz  led  astray  while  passin'  th' 
high  school. 


A  radio  receivin'  set  is  a  dandy  thing 
t'  keep  folks  at  home  who  don't  drink. 


Miss  Irma  Moots  got  almost  halfway 
home  last  night  before  she  wuz  knocked 
down  an'  robbed. 


Tipton  Bud  will  be  seventy-two  years 
ole  next  coal  strike. 


THESE    DAYS 


It  must  make  a  fool  feel  like  thirty 
cents  when  he  sees  where  a  17-year-ole 
girl  dares  t'  tread. 

i 

"You  never  kin  tell  what  might  hap- 
pen" says  Joe  Kite,  who's  buildin'  his  gar- 
age first. 

^ 

Th'  feller  that's  given  t'  worryin'  is  t' 
be  congratulated  on  th'  present  unusually 
fine  selection  o'  things  t'  worry  about. 


Th'  hardest  thing,  next  t'  bein'  a  Chris- 
tian in  Armenia,  is  scrapin'  up  a  little  sym- 
pathy fer  th'  feller  whose  car's  been  stolen 
fer  th'  third  time. 

^ 

Miss  Princess  Bud  has  got  a  good  joke 
on  her  dad.  He  didn'  recognize  her  yis- 
terday  until  after  he'd  paid  her  way  t'  a 
movie. 


THESE    DAYS 


Ther  are  people  dyin'  t'day  who  were 
never  drunk  before. 


While  out  shoppin'  don't  cuss  th'  poor 
wrappin'  girl  fer  bein'  slow.  She's  waitin' 
f  er  a  go  ahead  signal  from  th'  bookkeeper. 


You  couldn'  hire  some  fellers  t'  carry  a 
watermelon,  but  they  jest  love  t'  lug  a 
bowlin'  ball  thro'  town. 


Mrs.  Em  Moots'  brother  wuz  so  used 
t'  seein'  fast  trains  in  th'  movies  that  he 
held  his  ground  yisterday  an'  wuz  knocked 
t'  smithereens. 

^ 

Lafe  Bud's  cousin  wuz  poisoned  by  a 
bell  boy  at  Dayton  yisterday. 


THESE    DAYS 


It  takes  an  exceptional  child  t'  pass  th' 
bill  boards  these  days  without  becomin' 
a  cigarette  smoker. 


Lafe  Bud  found  a  quarter  this  mornin' 
jest  as  some  young  lady  wuz  goin'  t'  step 
on  it. 


We  kin  recollect  when  a  color-blind 
cashier  or  a  feller  that  fooled  a  girl  wuz 
lost  t'  society  f  erever. 


Elmer  Moots  says  ther's  lots  o'  things 
in  the  stores  he'd  like  t'  have  if  they'd  be 
willin'  t  do  housework. 


Th'  trouble  with  killin'  somebuddy  or 
stealin'  somethin'  is  that  we've  got  t'  worry 
thro'  a  long,  tiresome  trial  before  we  fi- 
nally reach  th'  pardon  board. 


THESE    DAYS 


If  some  folks  would  put  down  th'  top 
they  wouldn'  have  a  roof  o'er  ther  heads. 


Ther's  a  shade  o'  stockin's  being  worn 
these  days,  a  sort  of  a  tone  between  a 
girl's  neck  an'  a  carriage  painter's  arm, 
that  hain't  helpin'  our  return  t'  normalcy. 


It's  some  country  where  you  kin  sleep 
in  a  box  car  t'night,  write  a  southern  jazz 
song  t'morrow,  an'  own  a  luxurious  auto 
th'  day  follerin'. 


Mrs.  Em  Moots  has  a  cousin  that's 
lived  in  Muncie  almost  a  year  an'  has 
never  seen  th'  inside  of  a  courtroom. 


Clocked  socks  an'  watched  stockin's  are 
unusually  plentiful. 


THESE    DAYS 


Mebbe  th'  reason  we  don't  see  more 
good  lookin'  women  is  because  women 
are  jest  wakin'  up. 


Mrs.  Joe  Kite  is  nursin'  in  th'  home  o' 
Mrs.  Tilford  Moots,  whose  husband  is 
legitimately  paralyzed. 


What  gits  us  is  how  so  many  folks  that 
pass  in  th'  day's  news  manage  t'  pass. 


Ther'll  be  a  benefit  fer  th'  "Prosperity 
Club"  at  Melodeon  Hall,  t'night. 


Th'  tie  that  blinds — th'  Christmas  tie. 

(4) 


THESE    DAYS 


"Bootleggers  on  th'  run,"  says  a  news- 
paper, but  that's  cause  they're  back  on 
ther  orders. 


An  elephant  act  caved  in  on  th'  barber 
shop  under  Melodeon  Hall  last  night. 


Cheer  up  !  !  !   What  if  ever'thing  cost  as 
much  as  a  lamp  shade  ? 


Speakin'  o'  business,  th'  manager  o'  th' 
Monarch  5  &  10  says  they've  sold  more 
checker  boards  durin'  th'  past  year  than  in 
th'  whole  precedin'  eight. 


One  good  thing  about  bein'  a  Hunyak 
is  if  we're  caught  distillin'  its  fergotten  in 
a  day. 


CHILDREN 


By  Dr.   Mopps. 

Children  are  great  institutions.  They 
don't  only  half  way  hold  a  home  together 
fer  a  few  years,  but  they  give  parents 
somethin'  t'  think  about  besides  cards. 
Babies  bring  es- 
tranged relatives  t'- 
gether,  they  thaw 
out  rich  grandpar- 
ents, an'  reconcile 
mismated  couples. 
Children  give  th' 
neglected  wife  some- 
thin'  t'  live  fer,  an' 
often  bring  th'  errin' 
husband  t'  his  senses. 
Th'  advent  o'  th'  first 
baby  revolutionizes  a 
home,  'specially  a 
cramped  apartment, 
young  husband 
then  realizes  fer  th'  first  time  that  he's 
really  handcuffed — that  he's  th'  respon- 
sible head  o'  a  real  establishment,  instead 


SOPTENIN'  AN  OBDURATE     _.    , 
HUSBAND  | h 


THESE    DAYS 


o'  a  dollin'  up  station,  an'  th'  girl  wife  be- 
gins t'  think  of  all  th'  things  they'll  do 
after  th'  little  darlin'  gits  big  enough  t' 
leave  alone.  Th'  first  baby  makes  a  real- 
fer-sure  partnership  o'  marriage.  Th' 
low,  overhangin'  dread  of  a  splitup  disap- 
pears, th'  mere,  loose  bow  knot  o'  matri- 
mony becomes  a  link  o'  steel,  while  th' 
four  dollar  plated  weddin'  ring  is  rein- 
forced by  a  mutual  interest  that's  stronger 
than  all  th'  vows  an'  jewelry  in  Christen- 
dom. Th'  real  business  o'  marriage  has 
begun  when  th'  first  baby  comes.  Th' 
long  years  o'  feedin',  an'  trainin',  an' 
washin',  an'  dressin,'  an'  educatin'  th' 
child,  have  started.  Maybe  th'  home'll  be 
blessed  by  other  children  as  time  goes  on. 
In  that  event  th'  work  o'  raisin'  'em  an' 
puttin'  'em  on  a  payin'  basis  may  cover 
many  years.  But  th'  time  finally  comes 
when  th'  children  are  all  scattered  an' 
gone,  an'  then  th'  parents,  if  they're  still 
livin'  t'gether,  are  free  t'  see  th'  Grand 
Canyon,  or  buy  a  roadster,  or  visit  th' 


THESE    DAYS 


children,  or  do  any  ole  thing  that  strikes 
ther  fancy.  Maybe  they  kin  split  up  if 
things  are  too  prosy.  Ther's  allus  th'  pos- 
sibility of  a  married  daughter  comin' 
home  t'  roost,  but  she  kin  hunt  up  an  aunt 
if  her  parents  happen  t'  be  estranged,  or 
off  on  a  little  trip.  Married  sons  are  not 
allus  doin'  as  well  as  ther  mothers  say  they 
are,  but  they  usually  keep  away  pretty 
well.  But  parents  have  very  generally 
done  ther  part  an'  are  entitled  t'  a  vacation 
by  th'  time  th'  last  child  tears  out.  Noth- 
in'  gladdens  th'  hearts  o'  parents  like  good 
well-t'-do  sons,  an'  happily  married 
daughters.  Ther's  a  feelin'  o'  pride,  if  not 
security,  that  comes  over  th'  parents  of  a 
kind,  rich  son,  that  can't  be  exaggerated, 
an'  a  feelin'  o'  relief  in  knowin'  a  daugh- 
ter is  married  an'  out  o'  harm's  way  that 
baffles  adequate  description.  What  could 
be  finer  than  a  big,  noble  well-t'-do  son 
fer  a  father  t'  lean  on?  Or  what  is  sweet- 
er than  a  smilin',  respectful  daughter  t' 
lighten  a  mother's  load,  an'  help  her  pick 


THESE    DAYS 


out  a  pair  o'  pumps  ?  How  a  father  likes 
t'  say,  "Henry  talks  some  o'  visitin'  us  this 
year  if  his  firm  kin  spare  him,"  an'  how  a 
mother  likes  t'  say,  "Ellie's  doin'  jest  th' 
best  kind."  We  suppose  th'  ole  time  hon- 
ored custom  o'  raisin'  families'll  go  on  f  er- 
ever  with  th'  same  varyin'  success  that  has 
allus  attended  th'  industry.  Finley  New- 
comb  an'  wife  celebrated  ther  sixtieth 
weddin'  anniversary  at  th'  county  poor 
farm,  last  Tuesday,  an'  received  a  stout 
varnished  cane  an'  a  fancy  wooden  fan 
from  ther  son  at  Leavenworth  prison. 


Another  menace  t'  life  an'  limb  is  th' 
feller  that  tries  t'  drive  an'  flirt. 


A  son  kin  never  repay  his  mother,  but 
;he  never  seems  t'  hold  it  against  him. 


SEPTEMBER 


If  ther's  anything  worse'n  a  ready  talk- 
er it's  a  prolific  letter  writer. 


THESE    DAYS 


Nobuddy  ever  bought  a  friend  that 
didn'  git  stung. 

^ 

Next  t'  wearin'  suspenders  with  a  belt, 
th'  worst  thing  is  wearin'  spats  without 
carryin'  a  cane. 

* 

Constable  Newt  Plum  wuz  held  up  last 
night,  but  th'  bandits  didn'  git  nothin'. 
"Somethin'  told  me  I'd  git  robbed,"  says 
Newt,  "so  I  jest  left  my  spectacles  an' 
revolver  at  home." 

^ 

After  plasterin'  th'  town  with  pros- 
perity posters  yisterday,  Billposter  Fin- 
ley  Meadows  grew  despondent  over  th' 
business  outlook  an'  hanged  himself  in  th' 
O.  K.  livery  barn. 

^ 

Pony  Mopps  started  t'  git  pickled  Sat- 
urday, but  he  wuz  too  stingy  t'  go  thro' 
with  it. 


THESE    DAYS 


Next  t'  drinkin'  t'  be  affable,  th'  worst 
thing  is  paintin'  your  face  so  you  kin  wear 
gray. 

$ 

It's  mighty  fine  t'  be  educated  an'  in- 
formed if  you  kin  hide  it  successfully 
enough  not  t'  make  ever'buddy  around  you 
uncomfortable. 


We've  allus  wondered  if  Henry  Ford, 
with  all  his  wealth  an'  genius,  could  put 
a  run-down  hotel  back  on  a  payin'  basis? 


People  are  all  alike,  we're  all  human 
an'  have  our  honest  convictions  an'  be- 
liefs, 'cept  a  few  Republicans  that  used  t' 
be  Democrats. 

* 

We  didn't  know  Jake  Bentley's  brother 
wuz  rich  till  \ve  read  that  his  trial  wouldn' 
come  up  till  next  July. 


THESE    DAYS 


Some  folks  git  married  before  they  go 
t'  Niagary  Falls  an'  others  suicide  after 
they  git  there. 


We  kin  tell  purty  much  by  a  feller's 
fenders  how  he'd  eat  a  roastin'  ear. 


Th'  workmen  at  th'  saw  mill  threaten  t' 
walk  out  an'  git  in  ther  cars  if  th'  boss 
don't  quit  tryin'  t'  run  things. 


Next  t'  a  Ford  we  don't  know  o'  nothin' 
that  makes  as  much  noise  fer  its  size  as  a 
katydid. 


Ther's  few  things  as  painful  as  kickin' 
a  burglar  with  your  bare  foot. 


THESE    DAYS 


One  good  turn   deserves   another,   but 
one  good  story  ought  t'  stand. 


What  gits  us  is  why  th'  movie  industry 
wants  t'  hire  anybuddy  by  th'  year  that 
kin  clean  up  anything  as  big  an'  compli- 
cated as  th'  pustoffice  department  in  a 
couple  o'  months. 


A  few  satisfied  customers  kin  do  more'n 
a  full  page  ad,  but  a  lot  o'  store  keepers 
don't  seem  t'  know  it. 


Folks  that  can't  stand  prosperity  are 
still  comparatively  safe. 


Thanks  t'  th'  radio,  th'  home  is  begin- 
in'  t'  show  some  signs  o'  life. 


THESE    DAYS 


Remember  how  we  used  t'  dread  t'  go 
t'  a  party  before  they  made  it  at  home. 

? 

Th'  burlesque  show  at  Melodeon  Hall, 
last  night,  seemed  t'  be  on  its  last  legs. 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  has  received  a  pus- 
tal  card  from  her  niece,  who's  visitin'  in 
Californy,  sayin'  she's  decided  t'  stay  un- 
til murder  after  next. 

i 

Speakin'  o'  big  crowds,  we  recall  when 
Bryan  spoke  here,  jest  before  his  last  de-- 
feat, a  woman  passed  her  baby  o'er  th' 
heads  o'  th'  crowd  fer  th'  Commoner  t' 
kiss,  an'  when  she  got  her  kid  back  he 
wuz  married  an'  settled  in  Kokomo. 

"If  I  can't  git  in  th'  movies  I  kin  git  on 
a  jury,"  says  Lon  Moon,  who's  goin'  t' 
Californy. 


THESE    DAYS 


A  cigar  is  like  some  people,  jest  as  soon 
as  it  gits  pop'lar  it  begins  t'  deterioate. 


If  th'  camera  would  only  lie  it  could 
pick  up  a  lot  o'  money. 


Among  th'  rare  curios  in  Tell  Binkley's 
collection  is  a  photergraph  o'  Pauline 
Batchelor  with  a  dress  on. 


Gran-maw  Pash  went  t'  town  t'day  t' 
git  th'  knocks  taken  out  of  her  false  teeth. 


Ole  Niles  Turner  is  a  candidate  fer  th' 
school  board  an'  he's  wetter'n  Detroit. 


THESE    DAYS 


You  won't  skid  if  you  stay  in  a  rut. 


If  anything  th'  movie  kiss  is  longer  an' 
soggier  under  Bill  Hays  than  it  wuz  in 
th'  ole  days. 

^ 

Th'  boarders  at  th'  Elite  Drug  store 
have  presented  Pharmacist  Artie  Small 
with  a  handsome  carvin'  set. 

13 

Lafe  Bud's  uncle,  who  has  been  dabblin' 
around  with  first  one  thing  then  another 
fer  years,  will  address  our  business  men 
on  "Application,  th'  Steppin'  Stone  t' 
Success." 

S 

"Well,  I'm  glad  Bill  has  finally  got  with 
a  goin'  concern,"  said  Uncle  Niles  Turner, 
when  Bill  Hays  resigned  from  th'  Hardin' 
administration  an'  signed  up  with  th' 
screeners. 


THESE    DAYS 


You  can't   stop   a   thing  by  makin'   a 
crime  of  it. 


No  matter  what  business  we're  in,  we 
all  have  times  when  we'd  love  t'  be  a  po- 
liceman. 


Married  men  live  jest  as  long  as  single 
men  —  if  they're  slick. 


How  are  we  goin'  t'  tell  when  a  flapper 
becomes  a  woman? 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  missed  "Th'  Four 
Horsemen"  at  th'  Fairy  Grotto,  last  night, 
as  she  had  t'  hold  a  burglar  till  th'  con- 
stable come. 


THESE    DAYS 


It's  cheaper  t'  pay  rent  than  marry  a 
home. 


Even  if  labor  an'  capital  do  git  together, 
we're  confronted  with  a  fer  worse  com- 
bination —  long  skirts  an'  bobbed  hair. 

v 

Another  drawback  t'  a  wife  in  th'  back 
seat  is  that  she  can't  see  from  where  she 
sets  that  we  didn'  come  within  a  mile  o' 
hittin'  somethin'. 


Who  remembers  when  gasoline  didn't 
have  a  first  name? 


We    hain't    got    prohibition.      It    only 
costs  more. 


WHAT  TH'  PEOPLE  WANT. 


By  th'  Proprietor  o'  th'  Little  Gem 
Resturint 


We're  allus  hearin'  references  t'  "th' 
people,"  what  they're  demandin'  an'  what 
they'll  stand  fer.  Th'  feller  that  talks 
about  what  "th'  people"  want  may  think 
he  knows  what  his  own  neighbors,  or  com- 
munity, or  state  wants,  but  we  don't  be- 
lieve anybuddy  knows  what  th'  country,  or 
th'  people  as  a  whole,  wants,  an'  what's 
worse,  we  don't  believe  "th'  people"  know 
'emselves.  Th'  other  day  we  heard  a  fell- 
er remark,  "How  long-  will  th'  people  stand 
it?"  We  don't  know  whether  he  wuz  talk- 
in'  about  th'  8-cent  cigar  or  bobbed  hair, 
but  whatever  it  wuz  '11  prob'ly  run  its 
course  like  "After  th'  Ball,"  our  aroused 
patriotism,  an'  plucked  eyebrows,  an'  then 
be  cast  aside  fer  somethin'  more  excitin'. 
Sometimes  a  considerable  number  o'  peo- 
ple git  impatient  an'  club  t'gether  an? 


THESE    DAYS 


lynch  somebuddy,  an*  occasionally  they  all 
git  ther  heads  t'gether  an'  elect  a  reform- 
er, but  it  hain't  long  till  they're  all  split  up 
agin.  A  feller  '11  declare,  "th'  people"  de- 
mand light  beer  an'  wine,  an'  th'  next  day 
eight  or  nine  hundred  dry  candidates  '11 
be  elected  all  over  th'  country,  from  sena- 
tors up  t'  coroners.  Sometimes  a  formid- 
able bulk  o'  th'  voters  '11  become  aroused 
an'  demand  a  change,  but  it  hain't  no  time 
till  they're  tired  of  it,  an'  demandin'  an- 
other one.  It's  got  so  a  statesman  never 
knows  where  he  stands — idolized  t'day  an' 
hissed  on  th'  screen  t'morrow  afternoon. 
Roosevelt  wuz  idolized,  kicked  out,  an  re- 
idolized.  "People  are  funny  things,"  re- 
marked Manager  Gabe  Craw,  o'  Melodeon 
Hall  t'day.  /They'll  clamor  fer  musical 
shows  fer  a  while,  an'  then  kick  up  an'  de- 
mand a  mellerdrama,  an'  then  ther'll  be  a 
long  lull  when  they  don't  seem  t'  want 
nothin',  an'  then  I'll  give  'em  a  burlesque 


THESE    DAYS 


A   CANDIDATE  GUESSIN'   IT  TH' 
FIRST    TIME 


THESE    DAYS 


show,  an'  they'll  do  purty  well  fer  a  spell, 
an'  then  ask  fer  'East  Lynne.'  They  jest 
don't  seem  t'  know  what  they  want."  Peo- 
ple '11  rush  t'  a  new  restaurant  fer  awhile, 
an'  jest  as  soon  as  th'  proprietor  thinks 
he's  all  set,  an'  starts  t'  buy  an  automobile, 
they  desert  him.  Ever'thing,  restaurants, 
statesmen,  songs,  derby  hats,  bobbed  hair, 
an'  all  kinds  o'  styles  an'  fads,  seem  t'  have 
jest  so  long  t'  live,  an'  then  "th'  people" 
drop  'em  fer  somethin'  different.  We're 
amazed  that  "th'  people"  have  stood  th' 
saxophone  so  long.  But  we'll  say  this  fer 
"th'  people,"  they're  allus  willin'  t'  give 
most  anything  a  trial,  an'  some  things  a 
second  trial,  an'  that's  what  keeps  th' 
country  balled  up  an'  unsettled  most  o'  th' 
time.  Of  course  we  believe  th'  styles 
ought  t'  change  occasionally,  an'  a  new 
song  helps  out  once  in  awhile,  an'  it's  a 
healthy  sign  when  some  fellers  gfit  kicked 
out  o'  office,  but  ther's  a  whole  lot  o'  fun- 
damentals in  this  life  that  "th'  people" 


THESE    DAYS 


ought  t'  quit  monkeyin'  with,  things  they 
ought  t'  accept  an'  git  reconciled  to.  We 
hain't  got  much  but  a  cow,  but  we'll  stake 
her  that  death,  taxes,  an'  th'  shirt  waist 
are  here  t'  stay. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  success  o'  Master  Jackie  Coogan  is 
proof  that  a  clean  life  won't  hold  you 
back  if  you've  got  th'  goods. 


Th'  feller  that  marries  a  girl  that  rolls 
her  own  is  purty  sure  t'  darn  his  own. 


Mrs.  Lafe  Bud's  maid  skipped  out  last 
night  takin'  a  pair  o'  black  embroidered 
silk  stockin's  an'  a  recipe  fer  beer. 


Jake  Bentley's  daughter,  who  wuz  mar- 
ried yisterday,  is  th'  first  stubby  stout  t' 
pick  up  a  husband  here  in  three  of  four 
years. 

^ 

Lafe  Bud  had  a  chance  t'  buy  a  case  o' 
Scotch  whisky  an'  some  Holland  gin  this 
mornin',  so  th'  world  hain't  so  big  after 
all. 


OCTOBER 


Next  t'  waitin'  fer  a  laundry  t'  adjust 
a  claim,  th'  worst  thing  is  standin'  around 
while  a  clerk  hunts  somethin'  you  saw  in 
th'  show  window. 


THESE    DAYS 


Be  sure  you  know  what  it's  goin'  t'  cost, 
then  go  ahead,  is  th'  wise  course  these 
days. 

* 

Of  all  th'  good  ole  sayin's,  th'  one  that's 
gone  ahead  an'  kept  up  with  th'  times  is, 
"Ther's  no  fool  like  an'  ole  fool." 

? 

We  don't  believe  it  gits  a  congressman 
anything  t'  send  a  package  o'  watermelon 
seeds  t'  a  feller  that  lives  in  apartments. 
^ 

It's  easy  t'  tell  whether  a  son  looks  like 
his  father  or  mother,  but  th'  modern 
daughter  don't  look  like  anybuddy  we  ever 
saw  unless  it's  Pauline  Hall  or  Delia  Fox. 

$ 

We've  never  wanted  t'  hold  but  one 
office,  one  givin'  us  th'  authority  t'  make 
public  utilities  that  tear  up  th'  streets,  put 
'em  back  immediately  jest  exactly  like  they 
wuz. 


THESE    DAYS 


Few  things  look  as  shiftless  as  a  big, 
strong,  full  grown  man  sellin'  pop. 


In  India  th'  girls  marry  at  th'  age  o' 
ten,  but  in  this  country  they  don't  begin  t' 
paint  up  an'  scout  around  till  they're  thir- 
teen. 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  has  quit  votin'  an' 
gone  back  t'  housekeepin'. 


Fiends  in  human  form  stole  a  cook 
stove  from  th'  Lafe  Bud  home  last  eve- 
nin'  while  Mrs.  Bud  wuz  tunin'  in  on  Bal- 
boa, C.  G. 


"Jest  foller  th'  broken  jugs,"  said  Con- 
stable Plum,  t'day,  when  a  stranger  asked 
th'  way  t'  Louisville. 

(6) 


THESE    DAYS 


Some  folks  are  so  anxious  t'  git  ther 
money's  worth  that  they'll  buy  a  ticket  t* 
a  home  talent  performance  an'  then  go. 

^ 

Tell  Binkley  overslep  this  mornin'  as 
no  burglars  showed  up. 

% 

Oscar  Sapp,  who  wuz  buried  under  his 
car,  t'day,  died  from  th'  loss  o'  blood  while 
th'  officers  searched  fer  liquor. 

i 

Th'  hardest  thing  is  t'  keep  behind  a 
good  lookin'  girl  without  seemin'  t'  be 
tryin'. 

^ 

Jake  Bentley  an'  family  are  goin'  t' 
make  an  extensive  tour  o'  th'  world — 
when  th'  tariff  does  all  th'  things  fer  th' 
farmer  it's  supposed  t'  do. 

15 

Thanks  t'  th'  radio,  a  feller  no  longer 
has  t'  own  a  tuxedo  t'  hear  good  singin'.. 


THESE    DAYS 


Women  are  purty  keen  about  ever'thing 
but  pickin'  out  a  provider  an'  fixin'  an 
allowance  fer  a  son. 

"I'm  jest  like  a  pair  o'  white  stockin's," 
complained  Tell  Binkley,  t'day,  "I  start 
out  fine,  but  I  soon  wilt  an'  look  frazzled." 

If  th'  girls  '11  jest  display  ther  real  dis- 
positions while  they're  at  it,  all  will  be 
fergiven. 

We  hardly  ever  encounter  th'  once 
pop'lar  jett  black  raven  mustache  any- 
more unless  we  meet  a  veteran  policeman. 

We  hope  suspenders  do  come  back,  fer 
if  ther's  anything  worse'n  a  woman  pow- 
derin'  her  nose  at  ever  show  window  she 
comes  to,  it's  a  feller  yankin'  his  trousers 
up  ever  half  block. 

15 

There's  such  a  thing  as  bein'  so  home 
lovin'  that  you  don't  amount  t'  any. 


THESE    DAYS 


"I'll  be  glad  when  th'  crime  wave's  over. 
If  I  set  in  th'  front  room  th'  burglars  go 
in  the  back  way,  an'  if  I  set  in  a  back 
room  they  go  in  th'  front  way,"  says  Mrs. 
Tilford  Moots. 

1E 

Who  remembers  th'  ole,  dusty,  open  bin 
grocery  where  we  used  t'  eat  15  cents 
W7orth  o'  dried  peaches  while  we  wuz  buy- 
in'  a  lo-cent  can  o'  sardines. 

13 

Manager  Gabe  Craw,  o'  Melodeon  Hall, 
had  decided  t'  take  out  weather  insurance 
if  coal  don't  come  down. 

^ 

Maybe  we're  too  observin',  but  have 
you  ever  noticed  what  disreputable  lookin' 
shoes  shoe  clerks  wear? 

* 

Ever'  time  we  read  about  tumultous  ap- 
plause an'  vest  throngs  we're  reminded  of 
all  th'  hats  we  lost  on  ex-Senitur  Bever- 
idge. 


THESE    DAYS 


If  our  army  in  France  had  been  com- 
posed o'  congressmen  it  would  be  runnin' 

yit'  .      « 

Th'  nickel  cigar  has  come  sneakin'  back, 
but  we  wouldn'  want  it  named  after  us. 

* 

Th'  show  at  Melodeon  Hall,  last  night, 
didn'  let  out  till  after  midnight  as  th' 
magician  had  t'  borrow  a  plug  hat. 

<s 

In  enumeratin'  all  th'  extravagance  o' 
th'  war,  th'  stump  speaker  f ergits  t'  men- 
tion that  we  trained,  fed  an'  clothed  two 
million  too  many  soldiers,  also. 

Speakin'  o'  th'  orign  o'  man,  we're  rath- 
er inclined  t'  believe  that  most  folks  are 
fer  more  interested  in  what  prices  used  t' 
be. 

^ 

Some    candidates    openly    boast    that 
they'll  enforce  th'  laws,  an'   others  are 
elected. 


THESE    DAYS 


Ther's  nothin'  as  uncertain  as  a  sure 
thing. 

^ 

Contractor  Al  Blizzard  wuz  fined  $500 
an'  thirty  days  in  jail  t'day  fer  allowin' 
empty  cement  bags  t'  blow  over  th'  streets. 
He  got  off  easy. 

^ 

A  carpenter  '11  sharpen  his  saw,  an'  he'll 
set  his  plane,  an'  he'll  sight  down  a  two  by 
four,  an'  if  we  wait  around  long  enough 
we  may  catch  him  workin'. 

tg 

Some  stranger  rented  a  house  here 
t'day  without  his  wife  first  seein'  it,  an' 
th'  neighbors  already  have  him  listed  as 
a  domineerin'  brute. 


Farmer  Jake  Bentley  takes  this  means  t' 
announce  that  he  plowed  an'  voted  both 
on  election  day. 


THESE    DAYS 


Next  t'  a  stepladder,  th'  most  dangerous 
thing  t'  have  around  th'  house  is  a  loaded 
revolver. 


Jake  Bentley  fell  off  a  load  o'  hay  t'day 
an'  had  t'  crawl  all  th'  way  t'  th'  golf 
links  t'  have  his  leg  set. 


Th'  new  corpse  shade  stockin's  th'  girls 
are  wearin'  certainly  give  ther  applied 
complexions  dead  away. 


Th'  only  feller  we  ever  knowed  that 
tried  t'  give  th'  public  what  it  wanted 
owned  a  the-ater. 


Aunt  Mandy  Kite  died  t'day  before  her 
doctor  could  change  his  clothes  an'  git  in 
from  th'  Country  Club. 


THESE    DAYS 


When   it    comes    t'    floods,    we'll   take 
water  ever'  time  in  preference  t'  oratory. 


"I  don't  feel  one  bit  sorry  fer  her,"  says 
Mrs.  Em  Moon,  in  speakin'  o'  Mrs.  Joe 
Bentley,  whose  husband  died  o'  pneumony 
t'day.  "She  didn'  love  him  or  she'd  o' 
shot  him  years  ago." 

^ 

Vesper  Moots  pitched  five  no-hit  games 
last  season,  an'  he  hain't  been  in  college 
quite  a  year. 


We'll  say  this  fer  th'  bootlegger  —  of  all 
th'  gougers  he's  th'  only  one  that  don't 
use  his  overhead  fer  an  alibi. 


Lib  Pash's  brother,  who  wruz  sentenced 
t'  be  hanged  next  month,  cheated  th'  par- 
don board  by  suicidin'  last  night. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  feller  with  th'  best  ideas  is  allus 
hooked  up  where  he  can't  use  'em. 


An  onion  a  day  '11  keep  th'  breath  in- 
spector away. 


'Bout  th'  only  thing  a  wife  leaves 
around  th'  house  where  we  kin  find  it  is 
a  bill. 


Pinky  Kerr  has  got  a  joke  on  th' 
music  stores  —  Mrs.  Lake  Bud  thinks  o' 
buyin'  a  pianner  an'  they  don't  know  it. 


Movie  fans  don't  seem  t'  know  President 
Hardin'  when  they  see  him. 


THESE    DAYS 


It's  got  so  we're  regarded  as  bein'  as 
hard  up  fer  somethin'  t*  say  if  we  mention 
business  as  we  are  if  we  talk  about  th' 
weather. 


Some  necessities  are  comparatively 
cheap,  but  look  what  we  have  t'  compare 
'em  with. 


Usually  when  a  feller  drops  out  o'  poli- 
tics it  hain't  much  of  a  fall. 


Th'  old  fashioned  candidate  that  used  t' 
promise  t'  reduce  taxes,  now  has  a  son 
runnin'  fer  office  that's  goin'  t'  bring 
booze  back. 

* 

Carpet  Sweeper  Solicitor  Buddy  Mopps 
reports  seein'  a  Bible  on  a  livin'  room  table 
in  th'  west  part  o'  town  last  week. 


TH'  GENEROUS  DISTRIBUTION  O' 
TROUBLE. 

By  Rev.  Wiley  Tanger. 

We  don't  believe  ther's  anything,  not 
barrin'  th'  air  we  breathe,  that's  as  widely 
an'  generously  distributed  as  trouble. 
Ever'buddy  we  talk  to  has  got  some,  an' 

every'b  u  d  dy  we 
hear  of  has  a  plenty. 
Lots  o'  folks  man- 
age t'  git  along  on 
imaginary  trouble 
till  th'  real  thing 
comes  along,  an' 
imaginary  trouble 
is  even  worse  than 
actual  trouble.  Some 
folks  are  born  with 
trouble,  others  mar- 
ry trouble,  an'  some 
make  ther  own. 
Some  borrow 
trouble,  others  have 

SOME    FOLKS    BUY  trOUble        handed        t' 

'em,     while     many 
less  patient  people  hustle  out  an'  dig  up 


THESE    DAYS 


trouble.  Some  people  are  miserable  if 
somethin'  hain't  troublin'  'em  t'  complain 
about,  while  others  pretend  t'  be  fine  an' 
dandy.  Trouble  seems  t'  be  a  part  o'  th' 
scheme  o'  life  an'  nobuddy  is  immune.  We 
have  smilin'  optimists,  but  they  have  ther 
dull  days,  an'  we  have  thick  skinned  whist- 
lers that  grin  thro'  all  sorts  o'  rebuffs  an' 
disappointments,  but  they  finally  have  t' 
settle.  Jake  Bentley's  case  is  a  notable 
one.  He's  whistled  an'  hummed  thro' 
funerals,  an'  fires,  an'  floods  an'  two  or 
three  wives.  Last  week  we  saw  him 
leanin'  agin  th'  Peoples'  Bank,  an'  as  we 
drew  near  we  noticed  he  wuzn'  whistlin'. 
He  couldn'  start  his  car,  an'  all  his  opti- 
mism deserted  him  in  a  body.  But  th' 
face  is  not  allus  th'  index  t'  a  feller's  peace 
o'  mind.  We  never  know  what's  back  of  a 
smilin'  personality  or  a  row  o'  beautiful 
bill  boards.  Th'  gracious  hostess  may 
burst  int'  a  flood  o'  tears  before  she  has 
time  t'  turn  th'  down  stairs  lights  off  after 
her  friends  depart.  We  often  read, 


THESE    DAYS 


"When  last  seen  he  wuz  in  th'  best  o' 
spirits."  A  husband  may  own  two  cars 
an'  love  his  family  an'  be  thrown  in  jail 
t'morrow.  A  society  queen  may  live  in 
luxury  an'  be  th'  life  of  her  set  an'  weep 
bitter  tears  because  her  ankles  don't  suit 
her.  A  youth  may  be  th'  envy  of  all  his 
associates  an'  t'  all  appearances  fixed  fer 
life,  an'  skulk  away  an'  grieve  because  he 
can't  find  a  soft  collar  that'll  stand  up. 
Some  fellers  kid  an'  joke  along  an'  make 
money  an'  live  fine  an'  have  all  kinds  o' 
luck  an'  then  fall  in  love  with  some  flap- 
per that  can't  see  him  with  a  searchlight. 
Sometimes  a  feller's  wife'll  stick  t'  him  in 
adversity  an'  love  an'  encourage  him  an' 
yet  he'll  complain.  Ever'  two  or  three 
months  Chauncey  Depew  celebrates  his 
birthday  an'  issues  a  statement  sayin'  all 
is  well,  yet  we'll  bet  he  has  his  troubles  be- 
tween banquets.  No  home  is  complete 
without  trouble.  We  hear  o'  happy  homes, 
but  they're  only  not  quite  as  unhappy  as 
some  others.  No  home  gits  by  very  long 


THESE    DAYS 


without  a  calamity,  but  some  homes 
handle  'em  beter.  Some  folks  worry  in- 
wardly while  others  pe-rade  ther  troubles. 
Some  folks  like  t'  think  that  they've  been 
singled  out  fer  all  th'  trouble,  but  such  is 
not  th'  case.  If  they'd  read  th'  papers 
they'd  see  where  nearly  ever'buddy's  full 
up  with  trouble  o'  one  kind  or  another. 
But  trouble  certainly  takes  th'  conceit  out 
of  us  an'  upsets  that  smugness  that  too 
often  makes  us  feel  superior  an'  apart 
from  th'  common  run  o'  humanity.  We 
kin  stay  single  an'  keep  measurably  happy, 
an'  we  kin  move  in  apartments  an'  evade 
taxes,  but  nobuddy  ever  yit  side-stepped 
trouble. 


NOVEMBER 


Th'  girl  in  a  print  dress  needn'  worry 
about  not  havin'  any  swell  clothes  as  fer 
as  we're  concerned. 


THESE    DAYS 


We  noticed  one  thing — an  "attractive 
widow"  nearly  allus  has  some  insurance 
money. 

* 

"Mostly  farmers,"  said  Manager  Gabe 
Craw,  t'day,  when  a  the-atrical  agent 
asked  him  about  th'  acoustics  o'  Melodeon 
Hall. 

* 

Th'  smile  in  business  wuz  introduced 
durin'  th'  palmy  days  o'  th'  war,  an'  it 
begins  t'  look  like  th'  retailer  wuz  goin' 
t'  stick  to  it. 

^ 

Little  children  don't  run  t'  meet  ther 
parents  like  they  used  to,  an'  we  wonder  if 
anything  has  come  between  them. 


Th'  trouble  with  lookin'  unusually  well 
an'  hearty  is  that  somebuddy's  allus  pre- 
dictin'  that  we'll  go  all  at  once  some  day. 


THESE    DAYS 


We've  often  wondered  why  labor  don't 
use  th'  same  tactics  as  capital  an'  then  th' 
public  wouldn'  know  what  it  wuz  puttin' 
over  till  it  wuz  too  late. 


Some  fellers  ideer  o'  showin'  ther  wives 
a  good  time  is  takin'  'em  on  a  campin'  trip. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  got  almost  down- 
town t'day  before  she  remembered  she  had 
a  hole  in  th'  knee  of  her  left  stockin'. 


Sheriff-elect  Ike  Soles  used  th'  Bible  in 
this  fall's  campaign  instead  of  th'  Hardin' 
administration. 

^ 

A  bride  '11  promise  t'  love,  honor  an' 
obey,  an'  before  th'  icin'  is  cold  on  th'  wed- 
din'  cake  she'll  flatly  refuse  t'  leave  town 
in  a  day  coach. 


THESE    DAYS 


Some  people  may  stand  fer  onions,  but 
we  don't  believe  anybuddy  ever  really  ex- 
cused 'em. 


Joe  Lark  has  come  out  broken  arched 
fer  light  fines  an'  beer. 


Th'  public  has  got  too  many  grievances 
of  its  own  these  days  t'  waste  any  sympa- 
thy on  either  capital  or  labor. 


Th'  latest  fad  among  th'  male  flappers 
is  th'  Valentino  sideburns. 


"Nothin'  gits  my  goat  as  quick  as  th' 
meditative  coo  of  a  turtle  dove,"  said 
Gran'maw  Bud,  last  evenin',  as  she  took 
her  chair  an'  went  indoors. 


THESE    DAYS 


If  we  all  kept  our  ears  as  close  t'  th' 
ground  as  we  keep  our  eyes  we  might 
learn  a  few  things. 

^ 

Th'  nearest  we've  come  t'  hearin'  any 
of  our  women  voters  discuss  th'  great  po- 
litical questions  o'  th'  day  is  an  occasional 
reference  t'  "that  ole  Wilson,"  or  "that 
ole  Hardin'." 

^ 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Aaron  Shott  are  raisin' 
a  daughter  an'  they're  scared  t'  death  fer 
fear  she'll  git  hold  of  a  Sunday  news- 
paper. 

* 

Uncle  Ez  Pash  has  cut  out  sugar  an' 
white  bread  so  he  kin  vote  th'  Democratic 
ticket  ten  years  longer. 

* 

Another  drawback  t'  havin'  a  family  t' 
support  is  that  we've  got  t'  decline  so 
many  honors. 


THESE    DAYS 


If  th'  modern  three-fer-a-quarter  cigar 
is  any  barometer  we  haint  even  started 
back  t'  normalcy. 

$ 

A  spoken  performance  o'  "East  Lynne," 
by  one  o'  th'  best  companies  afoot,  '11  be 
given  at  Melodeon  Hall  in  th'  near  future. 


It  begins  t'  look  like  short  skirts,  like 
high  prices,  are  only  goin'  t'  come  down 
in  rare  an'  unimportant  instances. 


One  reason  we  don't  believe  in  signs  is 
because  so  many  red-nosed  fellers  with 
droopin'  mustache  hang  around  "soft 
drink"  saloons. 

1s 

Next  t'  findin'  a  suitable  site  fer  a  car- 
buncle, th'  hardest  thing  is  carryin'  a  mat- 
tress upstairs. 


THESE    DAYS 


It  seems  t'  us  we're  gittin'  too  much 
service  these  days  an'  not  enough  o'  what 
we  buy. 

^ 

Some  Republicans  see  prosperity  jest 
ahead,  while  others  maintain  that  it's  jest 
around  th'  corner. 

1g 

"Oh  shoot,  I  thought  we'd  git  t'  take  a 
long  strike  vacation  this  fall,  but  th'  saw 
mill  met  Joe's  demands,"  complained  Mrs. 
Lark,  t'day. 

^ 

Who  remembers  when  a  dentist  wuzn' 
too  proud  t'  pull  teeth? 

An'  intoxicated  stranger  wuz  up  before 
'Squire  Marsh  Swallow  this  mornin',  an' 
after  bein'  closely  questioned  as  t'  jest 
where  he  got  it,  th'  case  wuz  postponed. 

^ 

Tell  Binkley  has  cancelled  his  collision 
insurance  since  skirts  dropped. 


THESE    DAYS 


Who  ever  wrote,  "Darlin",  I'm  Growin' 
Ole,"  wuz  a  quitter. 

^ 

Rev.  Wiley  Tanger  has  announced  that 
beginnin'  January  first,  all  bass  singers 
must  furnish  reference  an'  a  cash  bond 
before  servin'  in  th'  choir. 

<§ 

'Cept  death  an'  taxes,  we  wouldn'  bet 
on  nothin',  'less  it  wuz  a  coal  strike. 

* 

Next  t'  a  dog's  nose  there  hain't  nothin' 
as  cold  as  a  drama  audience  at  a  vaudeville 
show. 

* 

Mrs.  Lafe  Bud's  livin'  room  rug'll  be 
nineteen  payments  ole  t'morrow. 


TH'  SONGS  O'  YESTERDAY. 
By  Clem  Harner,  th'  Veteran  Minstrel. 

Ther's  a  lot  o'  difference  between  th' 
pop'lar  songs  o'  t'day  an'  th'  pop'lar  songs 
o'  my  time.  Th'  pathetic  ballad  used  t'  be 
all  th'  rage.  I've  seen  whole  the-aters  full 
o'  people  weep  at  a 
song.  It  wuz  a  won- 
derful sight  t'  look 
out  at  an  audience 
from  th'  stage  while 
a  ballad  wuz  bein' 
sung — t'  look  out  up- 
on a  sea  o'  tears 
'sparklin'  in  th'  soft, 
mellow  gas  light  o' 
th'  auditorium. 
Folks  preferred 
songs  tinged  with 
sadness.  It  wuz 
along  about  this  per- 
iod that  th'  great 
OF  emotional  plays  o' 
East  Lynne  an'  Camille  captured  th'  coun- 
try. One  night  at  La  Rue,  Ohio,  a  feller 


THESE    DAYS 


suicided  by  jumpin'  out  o'  th'  gallery  while 
a  young  minstrel  tenor  (an'  snare  drum- 
ner  in  th'  band)  wuz  singin'  "I  Believe  It 
'Cause  My  Mother  Told  Me  So."  "Where 
Is  My  Wanderin'  Boy  T'night?"  "Just 
Break  th'  News  t'  Mother,"  "Put  My  Lit- 
tle Shoes  Away,"  "Only  a  Pansy  Blos- 
som,"  an'  "Teach  Our  Baby  That  I'm 
Dead,"  are  a  few  o'  th'  ole  timers  that  used 
t'  saturate  th'  the-ater  floors.  You  could 
never  tell  when  one  o'  these  songs  wuz 
goin'  t'  stir  up  a  tender  recollection  an' 
somebuddy  would  have  t'  be  carried  out  o' 
th'  the-ater.  "Jest  Tell  'Em  That  You 
Saw  Me"  wuz  one  o'  th'  last  o'  th'  pathetic 
ballads  t'  sadden  th'  country.  I've  even 
seen  th'  orchestry  break  down  an'  cry  at 
this  song,  while  th'  singer  himself  had  t' 
use  smellin'  salts  t'  go  thro'  with  th'  last 
verse.  Th'  story  o'  th'  song  wuz  like  this : 
A  feller  wuz  in  a  big  city  on  a  $i  excur- 
sion an'  on  mere  pleasure  bent.  He  wuz 
jest  comin'  out  of  a  2O-cent  resturint  when 
he  saw  a  flashy  lookin'  girl  he  thought  he 


THESE    DAYS 


recognized.  "Is  that  you  Madge?"  he 
cried  t'  her,  an'  she  quickly  turned  away. 
He  chased  after  her,  an'  catchin'  her  by  th' 
feather  boa,  he  continued,  "Don't  turn 
away,  Madge,  I'm  still  your  friend." 
Well,  then,  th'  girl  dicln'  know  what  t'  say 
or  do.  She  wuz  caught  dead  t'  rights. 
She  wuz  dressed  too  good  t'  be  workin', 
an',  besides,  she  had  no  trade  or  callin' 
whereby  she  could  earn  a  livin'.  At  best 
she  couldn'  have  been  makin'  over  six  dol- 
lars a  week  in  them  days.  Th'  fact  wuz 
she  wuzn'  livin'  right.  Finally  she  wept, 
then  th'  feller  said,  "I'm  goin'  back  home 
on  No.  1 8  an'  I  thought  perhaps  some 
message  you'd  like  t'  send."  She  hesi- 
tated a  little,  an'  then  she  half-way  looked 
up  an'  said,  with  her  big  eyes  filled  with 
tears,  "Jest  tell  'em  that  you  saw  me,  an' 
they'll  know  th'  rest,  jest  tell  'em  I  wuz 
lookin'  well,  you  know."  The  feller  prom- 
ised he'd  tell  'em^  an'  wuz  jest  about  t' 
dodge  in  f  er  a  couple  o'  beers  when  th'  girl 
cried  t'  him  an'  said,  in  tremblin'  voice. 

(6) 


THESE    DAYS 


"An'  tell  mother  dear  I  love  her  jest  th' 
same  as  I  did  long  years  ago,  an'  some 
day  I'm  comin'  home  agin  t'  her."  These 
last  lines  wuz  allus  th'  cue  fer  th'  audience 
t'  break  completely  down,  if  not  th'  singer. 
Once  while  watchin'  th'  audience  leave  th' 
the-ater  after  hearin'  th'  song  I  heard  a 
feller  say  t'  his  girl,  "Shall  we  stop  at  th' 
resturint  an'  git  some  oysters,  May?" 
An'  she  said,  "No,  Albert  dear,  take  me 
home  quickly,"  an'  both  dried  ther  eyes 
an'  climbed  in  a  buggy. 


DECEMBER 


You'd  hardly  know  Ike  Sole's  car  since 
he's  repainted  th'  wheels  an'  changed  th' 
engine  number. 


THESE    DAYS 


Never  count  on  anything  turnin'  up  but 
our  toes. 


Constable  Newt  Plum  confisticated 
fifty-nine  quarts  o'  bottled  in  barn  whisky 
this  mornin'. 


Most  any  candidate  wuz  glad  enough  t' 
have  th'  brewers  behind  him  this  fall. 


Mrs.  Lafe  Bud  shot  an'  seriously  in- 
jured her  husband  yisterday  fer  usin'  an 
embroidered  company  towel. 


After  stubbornly  holdin'  out  fer  ten 
years  th'  owner  o'  th'  O.  K.  livery  barn 
has  finally  announced  that  he'll  remodel 
t'  suit  tenant. 


THESE    DAYS 


Aviators  allus  retire  without  knowin'  it. 


Prob'ly  our  school  teachers  don't  git 
anything  like  what  they  earn,  but  they 
couldn'  look  any  peachier  on  $75,000  a 
month. 


Albert  Bentley,  abscondin'  cashier  o' 
th'  Peoples  Bank,  first  attracted  public 
notice  by  not  smokin'  or  chewin'. 


Bootlegger  Ike  Lark  is  sufferin'  from 
a  nervous  collapse  after  a  strenuous  year, 
an'  Dr.  Mopps  has  advised  him  t'  lay  out  a 
couple  o'  fines  till  he  regains  his  strength. 


Th'  ole  time  bartender  used  t'  ask  wheth- 
er we  wanted  rye  or  bourbon,  but  t'day's 
bootlegger  simply  asks,  "white  or  red?" 


THESE    DAYS 


It's  an  ill  wind  that  don't  show  which 
way  th'  limbs  bow. 


We  don't  care  much  f  er  anything  Hen- 
ry Ford  says  'less  it  relates  t'  autos. 


Lafe  Bud  an'  family,  who've  been  livin' 
beyond  ther  income,  are  movin'  back  int' 
th'  west  half  o'  th'  four-room  house  east 
o'  th'  saw  mill. 

13 

Remember  th'  ole  days  before  cigarettes 
when  you  used  t'  go  home  after  sparkin' 
an'  hold  your  vest  upside  down  an'  shake 
out  th'  broken  cigars. 


Wouldn'  it  be  awful  t'  be  immensely 
rich  an'  try  t'  find  a  present  fer  your 
wife  ? 


THESE    DAYS 


A  livin'  wage  depends  mostly  on  who 
we're  livin'  with. 


Th'  pardon  o'   Debs  marked  th'   first 
devergence  from  th'  Wilson  policies. 


Another  thing  prohibition  seems  t'  have 
wiped  out  is  honor  among  thieves. 


Christmus  is  th'  season  when  folks  don't 
care  what  kind  o'  books  they  give  jest  so 
they're  thick. 


Joe  Lark  bought  a  pair  o'  shoes  t'day 
with  some  money  he  had  left  from  th7 
Wilson  administration. 


THESE    DAYS 


Uncle  Niles  Turner,  103,  says  he  kin 
remember  when  we  first  started  t'  stop 
gamblin'. 

^ 

Who  recalls  when  we  used  t'  take  our 
coats  an'  hats  an'  unbrellers  out  o'  th' 
hall  an'  put  'em  in  a  safe  place  an'  keep 
open  house  on  New  Year's  day? 


It's  jest  about  got  so  a  senatorial  elec- 
tion is  our  leadin'  circulatin'  medium. 


Most  ever'  girl  has  all  th'  details  of  her 
weddin'  mapped  out  'cept  who  she's  goin' 
t'  hook. 


"I  think  I'll  jest  hang  ont'  this,"  said 
Tell  Binkley,  t'day,  as  he  put  his  plug  hat 
in  a  trunk.  'T  threw  a  corkscrew  away 
too  soon  once." 


THESE    DAYS 


Lots  o'  folks  pass  fer  optimists  when 
they  only  have  th'  knack  o'  shirkin'  re- 
sponsibility. 


We  never  hear  o'  any  romances  bein' 
traced  t'  a  patent  medicine  picture. 


"This  has  been  an  awful  easy  winter 
on  corn/'  said  Jake  Bentley,  t'day.  "We've 
only  burned  five  tons  so  fer." 


We  kin  recall  when  it  wuz  quite  a  com- 
pliment t'  say  somebuddy  made  a  bully 
speech. 


Another  thing  a  feller  never   fails  t' 
learn  at  college  is  how  t  'run  in  debt. 


THESE    DAYS 


Mother  may  be  emancipated,  but  her 
children  keep  on  makin'  a  slave  o'  her  jest 
th'  same. 


War  on  profiteers,  heh?  Why,  there 
hain't  nothin'  profiteers  like  bettern'  a 
war. 


Carpenter  Joe  Moots  dropped  a  hatchet 
on  his  toe  when  th'  whistle  blew  t'day. 


Mrs.  Lafe  Bud  threw  a  surprise  fer 
her  husband  last  evenin'.  She  wuz  at 
home  when  he  got  there. 


We  can't  see  no  great  change  in  con- 
ditions from  two  years  ago,  'cept  th' 
criticism  is  missin'. 


THESE    DAYS 


We'll  all  know  when  times   are  good 
without  readin'  it  in  th'  newspapers. 


Druggist  Artie  Small  cut  his  thumb 
t'  day  while  fillin'  a  prescription  fer  a 
pork  sandwich. 


"I'd  know  th'  name  if  I  heard  it," 
seems  t  'be  th'  most  pop'lar  of  all  th'  bone- 
head  remarks. 


Who  remembers  when  ther  used  t'  allus 
be  a  big  jollification  after  an  election  jest 
t'  kind  o'  rub  it  in  ? 


Tell   Binkley  wuz   arrested   fer  a  Ku 
Klux,  last  night,  while  walkin'  in  his  sleep. 


THESE    DAYS 


Ther's  bound  t'  be  trouble  when  our 
reputation  outgrows  our  income. 


"Let  me  tell  you  a  funny  coincidence," 
so  many  folks  '11  say,  an'  then  they  tell  us 
somethin'  that  hain't  a  coincidence  at  all. 


"They  must  have  company,  th'  cellar's 
lit  up,"  said  Miss  Fawn  Lippincut,  as  she 
passed  the  Bud  home  last  night. 


Stew  Nugent  writes  his  mother  here 
that  he  wuz  th'  only  one  in  a  class  o'  seven 
that  successfully  passed  an  auto  theft  in- 
vestigation at  Columbus,  Ohio  last  week. 


Hank  Wiley,  once  a  wild  an'  pop'lar 
resident  here,  is  livin'  very  simple  in  Kan- 
sas with  one  wife  an'  a  used  car. 


THESE    DAYS 


Idleness  is  demoralizing  an'  if  you're 
rich  it's  nearly  allus  fatal. 


Elmer  Moots  took  a  little  walk  around 
town  t'day  jest  t'  see  'f  he  could  find  any 
o'  th'  fellers  he  used  t'  know  before  he 
bought  a  car. 

* 

Four  beauty  doctors  are  tinkerin'  with 
Mrs.  Linnet  Spry,  but  they  hain't  given 
th'  husband  any  hope. 


Somebuddy's  allus  talkin'  about  educa- 
tin'  "th'  people"  up  t'  somethin'.  Th'  tar- 
iff has  been  discussed  fer  forty  years  an' 
"th'  people"  don't  seem  to  be  onto  it  yit. 


Here's  a  hunch — Henry  Ford  got  rich 
sellin'  th'  people  what  they  wanted  with- 
out holdin'  'em  up. 


THESE    DAYS 


Jake  Bentley's  team  scared  at  Mame 
Moon,  yisterday,  who's  said  t'  be  th'  pur- 
tiest  woman  in  th'  stiff  rage  movement. 


Th'  backbone  of  our  civilization  is  made 
up  o'  fellers  that  eat  in  ther  shirt  sleeves, 
say  "hain't  saw,"  chew  scrap  t'backer  an' 
trim  ther  finger  nails  in  public,  so  don't 
nag  'em. 

^ 

If  bootleggers  would  drink  with  ther 
customers  like  th'  ole  time  bartender  did, 
ther  wouldn'  be  any. 


Between  folks  tourin'  in  cars  an'  fellers 
walkin'  from  Frisco  t'  Boston  it's  a  won- 
der th'  railroads  hold  up  as  well  as  they  do. 


Henry  Ford  is  purty  rich  considerin'  he 
never  took  advantage  of  his  opportunities. 


THESE    DAYS 


If    there's    anything    worse'n    a    long- 
haired man  it's  a  short  haired  woman. 


Virtue  is  its  own  reward,  but  vice  don't 
even  chip  in  on  th'  gas. 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots'  gran'father,  who 
has  played  golf  fer  th'  past  three  years, 
died  anyhow  t'day. 


Another  thing  that'll  have  t'  be  revised 
is  th'  ole  slogan,  "vote  fer  th'  best  man." 


Th'  surest  way  t'  double  your  money  is 
t'  make  a  "double"  out  o'  your  house. 


THESE    DAYS 


Ther's  many  a  lie  spoken  in  an  effort 
t'  be  agreeable. 


Lafe  Bud'll  build  a  double  house  an'  live 
in  one  side  an'  off  th'  other. 


Joe  Kite  says  he  never  swore  but  five 
times  in  his  life  an'  that  wuz  when  a  win- 
dow shade  pulled  off  th'  roller. 


Next  t'  findin'  a  good  lo-cent  cigar 
th'  hardest  thing  is  locatin'  a  gypsy  wom 
an's  waist  line. 


Pustmaster  Joe  Spry  announces  that  th' 
pustoffice  '11  be  closed  t'morrow  while  he 
gits  his  revolver  cleaned. 


THESE    DAYS 


Sympathy  should  begin  at  home. 


Ther  used  t'  nearly  allus  be  a  woman 
in  th'  case,  but  now  it's  a  girl. 


Farms    are   payin'    so    poorly    lawyers 
won't  take  'em. 


Miss    Eloise    Moots    is    almost    ugly 
enough  t'  be  an  expert  swimmer. 


'Bout  th'  only  bargain  we  know  of  these 
days  in  payin'  t'  see  a  boxin'  match  an' 
gittin'  a  prize  fight. 


Th'  feller  that  shoots  his  wife  an'  kills 
himself  must  feel  cheap  when  she  gits  well. 


THESE    DAYS 


Lafe  Bud  is  organizin'  a  company  t' 
manufacture  quicksilver  fer  movie  tears. 


Cashier  Lem  Smiley  has  neuritis  in  both  ' 
shoulders  an'  it's  all  he  kin  do  t'  raise  his 
hands  above  his  head. 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  is  practicin'  chest 
expansion  an'  heavin'  t'  play  queens  an' 
sorceresses  in  th'  movies. 


Who  said  takin'  care  o'  your  friends 
don't  git  you  anywhere? 


Senator  Newberry  seems  t'  be  a  bigger 
fizzle  than  an  off-year  mayor. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'    leader    o'    any    enterprise    should 
never  be  a  feller  with  nothin'  t'  lose. 


If  mother  ever  gits  a  six-hour  day 
somebuddy's  goin'  t'  have  t'  fork  over  a 
lot  o'  overtime. 


It  don't  seem  t'  us  that  ther's  as  many 
sober  second  thoughts  as  ther  used  t'  be. 


We've  often  wondered  if  a  farmer  don't 
wish  he'd  kept  out  o'  trouble  when,  after 
killin'  his  neighbor,  he  reads  how  promi- 
nent an'  well-t'-do  he  is. 


Tell  Binkley  has  loaned  his  bootlegger 
t'  Tipton  Bud  till  he  gits  back  from  Iowa. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  divorce  mill  is  still  runnin'  an  open 
shop  an'  'way  back  on  its  orders. 


Th'  Elite  Drug  Store  wuz  robbed 
shortly  after  noon  yisterday  while  th' 
pharmacist  wuz  washin'  dishes. 


We'd  think  a  whole  lot  more  o'  beauty 
doctors  if  they'd  occasionally  advise  a 
change  o'  scene  f  er  some  patients. 


"  Sorry,  but  I'm  as  crowded  as  th'  alco- 
holic wing  of  a  hospital,"  said  Landlord 
Gabe  Craw,  this  mornin',  when  a  stranger 
started  t'  register. 


Business  may  finally  git  back  t'  nor- 
mal, but  we  don't  believe  th'  cotton  stock- 
in'  factories  '11  ever  pay  expenses  agin. 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  difference  between  a  divorce  battle 
an'  a  world  war  is  that  th'  newspaper 
readers  have  t'  wear  th'  gas  masks. 


Next  t'  somebuddy  eatin'  celery  ther 
hain't  nothin'  that  gits  on  our  nerves  as 
quick  as  a  clerk  trailin'  along  behind  us 
when  we're  tryin'  t'  shop. 


We  don't  care  if  women  do  git  off  o' 
street  cars  backwards.  We  should  be 
glad  they  don't  git  on  backwards. 

13 

It's  a  dull  day  when  some  woman  don't 
die  in  a  poorhouse  that  used  t'  be  th'  toast 
o'  th'  town. 


Never  elect  a  feller  to  a  county  office 
that  needs  th'  money. 


THESE    DAYS 


Modest  an'  modish  look  lots  alike,  but 
they're  awful  different. 


Joe  Lark  was  half  shot  while  walkin' 
thro'  th'  woods  t'day,  bein'  mistaken  fer 
a  skunk. 


Nine-tenths  o'  th'  people  don't  know 
how  th'  other  tenth  lives  —  without  auto- 
mobiles. 


Some  folks  are  universally  disliked,  an' 
others  git  excused  'cause  its  "jest  ther 
way." 


Ther's  one  good  thing  about  taxes— 
they  keep  us  aroused  an'  anxious  t'  vote. 


THESE    DAYS 


It  rains  on  th'  just  an'  th'  just  fine. 


It's  jest  about  as  dangerous  t'  lend  your 
name  as  your  money  these  times. 


Live  so  you  kin  remember  where  you 
wuz  last  night. 


We  don't  believe  we're  goin'  t'  like  th' 
new  long  skirts  that  hang  like  a  wet  flag 
on  a  still  day. 


Some  folks  may  not  toil,  but  they  spin 
jest  th'  same. 


Mrs.  Tilf  ord  Moots'  brother  sold  his  big 
farm  t'day  after  jest  makin'  expenses  fer 
th'  last  two  years.  He  says  it's  too  long 
between  world  wars  fer  farmin'  t'  pay. 


THESE    DAYS 


Some  couples  are  like  a  grand  opery 
company — they  git  along  fine  in  public. 


It  jest  seems  t'  be  impossible  t'  be  great 
an'  tidy. 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  has  sent  her  favorite 
recipe  f er  angel  cake  t'  th'  newspapers,  an' 
she  hain't  been  at  home  long  enough  at  a 
time  fer  ten  years  t'  even  boil  an  egg. 


Hon.  Ex-Editur  Cale  Fluhart  success- 
fully evaded  th'  issues  fer  three  hours  in 
an  eloquent  address  at  th'  monster  p'liti- 
cal  meetin'  last  night. 


THESE    DAYS 


"Kin  a  mother  hold  a  home  together  an' 
be  prominent  in  either  art,  literature,  poli- 
tics, or  business  ?  O'  course  she  kin  if  she 
jest  sets  her  mind  t'  it,"  declares  Mrs. 
Em  Moots.  "I  made  fifty-one  p'litical 
speeches  this  fall  as  agin  forty-nine  last 
fall.  My  husband  is  missin'  an'  my  chil- 
dren are  all  happily  situated.  Oscar  is  in 
th'  reg'lar  army,  Beatrice  is  married  t'  a 
Korean  priest  that  wears  his  shirt  over  his 
pantaloons  an'  a  plug  hat,  an'  Henry  holds 
th'  shot  put  record  o'  school  No.  8,  with  a 
put  o'  fifty-one  feet  with  a  1 6-pound  shot. 
Any  woman  with  a  fireless  cooker  an'  a 
little  pep  kin  mix  up  anything  if  she  jest 
thinks  so  an'  don't  let  her  home  destroy 
her  usefulness." 


THESE    DAYS 


Th'  Bentley-Mopps  weddin'  wuz  called 
off  last  night  as  thj  preacher  couldn'  find 
a  parkin'  place. 


A  woman  allus  stays  longer  after  she 
gits  up  t'  go  than  she  does  before  she 
starts  t'  leave. 


"I  want  t'  say  this  fer  Wilson,"  said 
Hon.  Ex-Editur  Cale  Fluhart,  t'day,  "No 
President  in  all  history  ever  picked  as 
many  fellers  that  turned  out  t'  be  great 
intellectual  giants  after  they  died  as  he 
did." 


Lafe  Bud  wuz  takin'  a  straw  vote  an' 
he  asked  Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  how  she 
wuz  goin'  t'  vote,  an'  she  said:  "In  my 
blue  tricolette,  I  guess." 


THESE    DAYS 


"We'd  go  lots  more'n  we  do,  but  we're 
hampered  with  a  home,"  complained  Mrs. 


Lafe  Bud,  t'day. 


THE  END 


. 


m 


